Happiness Is A Dish Best Served Dull

Despite my best efforts to try and make everyone believe otherwise, my life is pretty damn good.  I wanted to take a break from the self-deprecating propaganda I’m prone to dole out and acknowledge that.  I’ve been dealt a good hand in the game of life.  Any shortcomings in this life are entirely due to my lack of effort.  I’ve gotten exactly what I deserve and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I’ve been blessed with the brains to recognize a good holding when it’s there, and I’ve done everything in my power not to screw it up.  For the most part, this approach has served me well.  I don’t have any real problems and that’s comforting.  Sometimes I feel like we’re supposed to have drama.  Life isn’t supposed to be this easy, is it?  So I’ll compare myself to others and search for something they have that I don’t.  The inevitable landing point is a significant other in their life, and I’ll exaggerate things to the point where your pity for me turns into annoyance. 

I’ve heard and witnessed firsthand plenty of “excitement” from friends and acquaintances to fill the void in my life.  I don’t relish in their misfortunes.  I assume I’m hearing those things for a reason and the best explanation I’ve come up with thus far is that they are reminders of how fortunate I really have been.  These misfortunes run the gamut from fearful (being so buried in debt that you have to live from paycheck to paycheck) to insane (rushing to your girlfriend’s house because she’s threatened suicide multiple times unless you abandon the plans you had with your friends) to truly ugly (leaving your new wife who is carrying your unborn child while her parents deliriously plead with you to stay and her young son from a previous marriage looks on).  I’ve never been in ANY of those kinds of positions.  Some of these situations I’ve been present for, but I obviously wasn’t the center of attention.  In a selfish moment, I might have even lamented about being forced to “deal” with the issue.  I’ve never put any others in these kinds of situations, so this seems unfair.  But my role in dealing with it is nothing more than disrupting my plans (which are likely none if you know me) and offering inept words of advice (which is hardly too much to ask).  At the end of the day, I can move on and not have that black cloud looming over me.  Those people weren’t so lucky.

Yes, I’m fairly skilled at keeping the car on the road and avoiding the big potholes.  Some will say that’s not life, it’s suicide by tiny increments.  Maybe there’s something to be said for that. I’ve often wondered what I’m missing out on.  That wonder sometimes leads to tears as I drift ahead fifty years to a life that was lived unfulfilled and alone.  Then I need to remind myself that I do indeed participate in myriad fun activities and I do have people around me.  So what if I’m not living life the same way as many of my counterparts?  I have no idea what their life journey is all about and the path I’m on may be solely reserved for me (sure feels that way sometimes).  When it comes to life, I do think you need to look at it in a vacuum.  Are you happy with the path you’re on?  If not, then change it.  I think for the most part I am.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to get all philosophical.  It was intended to be an expression of thanks to the powers that be and those around me who have given me so very much to be thankful for.  My parents – they’ve always been there for me.  They’ve allowed me to live at home and continue saving towards that house I’ve promised to buy (I swear, it’ll happen).  Money has never been an issue and their extended hospitality has largely made that possible.  Smart, responsible decisions with the money I’ve accumulated are also a major reason behind my financial stability, but even that I have my dad to thank for.  My friends – you’ve always reached out to me way more than I’ve ever come to you.  Even when I’ve casually dismissed your requests to hang out, you come back for more.  I’m painfully aware that a relationship with me (warning in advance to anyone seeking a larger role in my life) is akin to pulling teeth.  I’d be even more of a recluse without your companionship.  I’ve made it a goal of mine recently to show up, even if just for a cameo, when I’m invited to something.  If you think enough of me to extend an invite, then I need to validate that decision.  This goes for close friends or even just acquaintances.  Most of you would fall into the latter bucket as I’m pretty selective with the term “friend”, but more on that later. 

Even those with a minor role in my life have played a larger part than they could ever imagine.  When I post things like this, my imagination runs wild with what may blossom from this seed I’ve planted.  Feedback of any kind, the proof that you’ve spared a few moments of your time to read my thoughts brings a smile to my face.  If we’re not really close friends and you attend an event I organize (not all that common as you’ve just learned), your appearance goes a long way.  I don’t know why it means so much to me; it just does.  I’m not intelligent enough to properly put it into words.  I’m prone to becoming depressed when a blog like this goes largely unnoticed or a shindig I throw is sparsely attended.  Yet again, I must pull myself back from the ledge.  People aren’t trained to live their lives around me.  Furthermore, this depression is a disservice to the people who may read this and the people who do and have come to my events. 

So, I’d like to offer a whole-hearted thank you to everyone for whatever role you’ve played in my life.  Even if I don’t fully understand or appreciate it at this point, I believe I will some day.  I can’t promise there won’t be more of the “woe is me” diatribe in the future, but for now, I’m in a good place.  It may be dull at times, but life’s good.  Very good.