I'm Just Not Into Prostitution

There are probably many reasons that a long-lasting relationship isn’t in my future.  Today I’d like to focus on one in particular:  money.  It’s been my steadfast policy to refuse to spend any significant amount of money on a girl.  Sitting on the sidelines, I’ve seen many a guy blow (my take on it) money on a girl only to get screwed over in the end.  I’m a finance major, you see.  I view relationships as an investment.  Like any smart investor, I am looking for a good return on that investment.  Get your filthy minds out of the gutter for one moment.

My belief is that if you spend a lot of money on a girl and there’s a messy breakup (the kind where you’re no longer on speaking terms even), you should consider that relationship an investment which tanked.  Sure, you can argue that you shared good times while together.  Perhaps for some that is well worth the cost; I’m not here to debate that perceived value.  I am here to inform you that I’m a greedy miser who hordes his money like Montgomery Burns.  Gene Younker taught his eldest son the value of saving at an early age.  Perhaps he did this a little too well.  I don’t even spend my money on myself.  What chance could a random girl possibly have?

If that sounds cold and detached, it probably should.  I’ll ask you to reserve judgment before hearing the whole story.  My expectations and hopes for a relationship are different than, well, almost anyone’s.  This is how I justify my position.  Let me elaborate.  It could be argued that the courting process and the inherent expenditures that come with it are really just a more tasteful, drawn-out form of prostitution.  Hold on, stay with me.  We all know guys go after girls with typically one thing in mind.  Some are a bit more direct about it and that’s their only source of motivation.  Now this isn’t a crusade against all men in order to portray myself as the shining white knight.  There are plenty of great guys out there with strictly pure thoughts at the point of initial contact.  Still, there’s a mutual understanding that all roads eventually lead to the same place and guys won’t wait forever to get there.  If we turn our attention to the fairer sex, we also know that girls like to have nice things, a lot of nice things in fact. 

Here’s the natural progression: guy wants to sleep with girl; guy buys girl nice things; the game ensues.  So he’s essentially spending money to get laid.  Sure sounds like prostitution to me, except the jeweler or florist also profits in this scenario.  Hey, why not help a local business along the way, right?  I will concede that this logic doesn’t fit quite as nicely in cases of true love.  In those cases, you are talking about an investment worth pouring some more money into.  However, true love takes some time to develop.  Guys, how many girls have you bought nice, expensive things for that you loved?  I mean truly loved.  What about you ladies?  I’m sure you’ve been more than happy to accept those gifts from a guy you didn’t truly love.

I’m not judging anyone here.  My aim is not to make anyone feel guilty for giving or receiving gifts.  Nor do I seek to suggest that anyone is a pimp or prostitute for merely offering or accepting said gifts.  The process works for all who participate in it and its followers are by-and-large good, wholesome people.  I’m trying to build a case (undoubtedly a poor one, but I soldier on) for myself and why I don’t play this game.  I’m not going after a girl with the aforementioned end result in mind.  When the road twists and turns and I don’t see a physical encounter at the end of the tunnel, I’m not hopping out of the car and looking to hitchhike the rest of the way.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude who is averse to all physical contact.  However, I really do see it as more of a fringe benefit.  Girls, your presence and companionship are going to be enough. That is why I don’t feel obligated to maintain my hold on you with material things.  It’s enough that you choose me, out of everyone, to spend your time with.  I can only hope and ask that my choice of you is as equally fulfilling.

Girl Criteria

I’ve used “she’s not my type” all too often as an excuse why a prospective girl isn’t an option.  It’s a convenient answer that isn’t questioned too often.  With all this time on my hands, I got to thinking, what is my type?  Here’s a list of top 10 criteria I came up.  More or less, it’s in order of most important.  Certainly this isn’t a steadfast list and exceptions can always be made.  At the risk of offending females to which any of these apply, here’s the list.

1.        Non-smoker:  It’s a disgusting habit.  Who wants to kiss an ashtray or have everything around them smell like smoke?

2.       No kids:  No matter what, you’re always going to be competing for 2^nd place in her heart.  Call me selfish but I don’t want to put that much time into a kid that isn’t mine.  I’ve made responsible decisions this far because I’m not ready to be a dad yet.

3.       Likes sports:  Sports are the biggest part of my life.  Even if she doesn’t play any, she should be willing to watch sports and tolerate my frequent viewings.  If she plays, that’s a big plus.

4.       Can engage in playful banter:  I want to be challenged intellectually.  Me being a Sox fan, I would derive great pleasure from dating a Cubs fan and giving each other a hard time.  Sox girls are certainly OK too J.

5.       Independent:  I’ve never been accused of being overly attached to anyone.  I won’t guarantee the right girl couldn’t bring out those feelings but I generally ease into things.  I like my space.  There’s times when I should be able to do my things and she hers.  If she’s expecting a call every day when we start dating, she’s probably not for me. 

6.       Laid back:  I’m pretty laissez-faire when it comes to things.  For better or worse, I’m not a take charge guy.  If she gets upset when things don’t go exactly to plan, she’s wound a little too tight for my liking.  I’m always perpetually late; “Younker time” is something she’ll have to accept.

7.       Not a “party” girl:  Parties and the bar scene aren’t really my thing.  Occasional bar visits are acceptable but if she’s getting drunk every night, I don’t think her priorities are straight.

8.       Financially responsible:  Couples can only save as well as their weakest link.  If she’s in a ton of debt, guess who she may be coming to for aid?  Handling your finances is a good indicator of maturity.

9.       Close to her family:  If she gets along well with her family, she’s more likely to appreciate what a good family means.  I’m still at home so clearly my relationship with my family is strong.  I’d want her to have the approval of my family and vice versa.

10.   Not materialistic:  I’m not a big gift giver.  I just think there’s other way to show someone you care.  If she gets easily offended if her man doesn’t buy her things, I’ll save us both some time.  Relationships are investments of many other things.  Money shouldn’t be one of them.  I’ve seen too many guys blow a lot of money of a girl just to break up.  Maybe that’s part of the game but it just seems like a waste.

My Top 101 AltRock Songs of the '90s

A while ago I created a list of my top 101 alternative rock songs from the '90s.  This was in response to Q101's (R.I.P.) list of top 101 songs they released each year.  Over the period of a few months (2 songs/day), I released this list via IM status updates to my co-workers. While I won't pretend any of you care any more than my fellow employees did, perhaps you'll indulge me.  I've got the list, so why not share it?

You'll see that most of these songs are radio hits.  I have to say that much of my music listening from those days was limited to the radio.  I didn't buy many albums nor did I go out of my way to try and listen to other stuff.  This was obviously before the days of Pandora and Spotify.  I'm not going to feel guilty that these songs are all "popular" because it's my list after all, right?  When considering which songs are my favorites, any or all of 3 factors generally come into play: 1) The sound is really catchy to me, 2) The lyrics speak to me personally, and 3) I associate the song to a good memory/time in my life. 

101 songs is a lengthy list and I can't tell you that the order of songs is exactly the same as it would be if I re-ranked today.  The songs on a list of that length is what matters.  I will say that the top 15 or so is pretty locked in.  I've taken the liberty of "defending" the top 10 songs on my list as you'll see below.  Have any feedback?  Whole-hearted agreement?  Glaring omissions?  I welcome it all.

101     "ALL THE KIDS ARE RIGHT" - LOCAL H

100     "ONE WEEK" - BARENAKED LADIES

99       "LUMP" - PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

98       "SWALLOWED" - BUSH

97       "IN BLOOM" - NIRVANA

96       "YOU" - CANDLEBOX

95       "FATHER OF MINE" - EVERCLEAR

94       "6 UNDERGROUND" - SNEAKER PIMPS

93       "GREEDY FLY" - BUSH

92       "WANT YOU BAD" - THE OFFSPRING

91       "FOLLOW YOU DOWN" - GIN BLOSSOMS

90       "BEAUTIFUL DISASTER" - 311

89       "TONIGHT, TONIGHT" - THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

88       "RE-ARRANGED" - LIMP BIZKIT

87       "DUMB" - NIRVANA

86       "LIVE FOREVER" - OASIS

85       "IRIS" - GOO GOO DOLLS

84       "THE KIDS AREN'T ALRIGHT" - THE OFFSPRING

83       "NUTSHELL" - ALICE IN CHAINS

82       "CALIFORNICATION" - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

81       "FAR BEHIND" - CANDLEBOX

80       "COUNTING BLUE CARS" - DISHWALLA

79       "MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN" - WHITE ZOMBIE

78       "HERO OF THE DAY" - METALLICA

77       "6TH AVENUE HEARTACHE" - WALLFLOWERS

76       "LEARN TO FLY" - FOO FIGHTERS

75       "CREEP" - RADIOHEAD

74       "DATE RAPE" - SUBLIME

73       "ALL OVER YOU" - LIVE

72       "HEART SHAPED BOX" - NIRVANA

71       "HEY MAN, NICE SHOT" - FILTER

70       "BLACK" - PEARL JAM

69       "MAN IN THE BOX" - ALICE IN CHAINS

68       "COME DOWN" - TOAD THE WET SPROCKET

67       "COME AS YOU ARE" - NIRVANA

66       "ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY" - KID ROCK

65       "DISARM" - THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

64       "TIME" - HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH

63       "THE BAD TOUCH" - THE BLOODHOUND GANG

62       "MUTT" - BLINK 182

61       "ONE HEADLIGHT" - WALLFLOWERS

60       "BLACK BALLOON" - GOO GOO DOLLS

59       "COMEDOWN" - BUSH

58       "GOT YOU (WHERE I WANT YOU)" - THE FLYS

57       "SELL OUT" - REEL BIG FISH

56       "PLUSH" - STONE TEMPLE PILOTS

55       "FREAK ON A LEASH" - KORN

54       "INTERSTATE LOVE SONG" - STONE TEMPLE PILOTS

53       "LOSER" - BECK

52       "HEY JEALOUSY" - GIN BLOSSOMS

51       "GLYCERINE" - BUSH

50       "POPULAR" - NADA SURF

49       "LUNA" - SMASHING PUMPKINS

48       "ALL THE SMALL THINGS" - BLINK 182

47       "ELDERLY WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A SMALL TOWN" - PEARL JAM

46       "THE RASCAL KING" - MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES

45       "NAME" - GOO GOO DOLLS

44       "BASKET CASE" - GREEN DAY

43       "GOT THE LIFE" - KORN

42       "WOULD?" - ALICE IN CHAINS

41       "GOOD" - BETTER THAN EZRA

40       "I WANT YOU" - THIRD EYE BLIND

39       "TRIPPIN ON A HOLE IN A PAPER" - STONE TEMPLE PILOTS

38       "BRICK" - BEN FOLDS FIVE

37       "UNDER THE BRIDGE" - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

36       "SEX AND CANDY" - MARCY PLAYGROUND

35       "STARS" - HUM

34       "TODAY" - THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

33       "BUDDY HOLLY" - WEEZER

32       "TIME OF YOUR LIFE" - GREENDAY

31       "YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE" - NEW RADICALS

30       "CLOSING TIME" - SEMISONIC

29       "THE IMPRESSION THAT I GET" - MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES

28       "LIGHTNING CRASHES" - LIVE

27       "VASOLINE" - STONE TEMPLE PILOTS

26       "BETTER MAN" - PEARL JAM

25       "CLOSER" - NINE INCH NAILS

24       "AEROPLANE" - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

23       "SHE" - GREEN DAY

22       "SAY IT AIN'T SO" - WEEZER

21       "PLOWED" - SPONGE

20       "MAYONAISE" - SMASHING PUMPKINS

19       "WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN" - BLINK 182

18       "WONDERWALL" - OASIS

17       "EVERLONG" - FOO FIGHTERS

16       "CRASH INTO ME" - DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

15       "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT" - NIRVANA

14       "ADAM'S SONG" - BLINK 182

13       "1979" - THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

12       "HURT" - NINE INCH NAILS

11       "WHISKEY IN THE JAR" - METALLICA

10       "MY HERO" - FOO FIGHTERS

Gotta think "Varisty Blues" when you hear this song, don't you?  OK, maybe not, but I do.  And when I think of that movie, I think of Bud Kilmer tossing clipboards and I laugh (yes, I realize "Thunderstruck" was playing during that part).  Don't get wrong, this song would still kick ass even without the movie connection I've made.

9          "3 A.M." - MATCHBOX TWENTY

Interestingly, "Real World" was my favorite track off this album for a long time.  I guess my "ear" evolved over time.  I can't explain this song's progression because there's no underlying memory associated to it nor I am overly attached to the lyrics.  It just works for me.

8          "THE FRESHMAN" - THE VERVE PIPE

Another one that just works but I can really appreciate the lyrics.  I rememeber a kid at JJC singing an acoustic cover of this.  It has nothing to do with my liking of this song but for some reason that memory is etched in my brain.

7          "MACHINE HEAD" - BUSH

"Sixteen Stone" was the first album I ever owned.  You never forget your first they say.  Hearing that opening guitar riff just has to get you going, right?

6          "NOTHINGMAN" - PEARL JAM

Pearl Jam is probably my favorite group of the '90s so it's no surprise they land comfortably in the top 10.  It's all good but I've always enjoyed their "softer" stuff more than the more uptempo songs.  This song just slowly worked its way up the list as time has gone by.

5          "MY OWN WORST ENEMY" - LIT

I felt so cool blasting this song from my '93 Bonneville in high school.  I had to copy the song to a cassette tape (I know, how retro of me) because the car didn't have a CD player.  Even now, when the song comes on a jukebox, I can't help but wistfully smile.

4          "SHIMMER" - FUEL

"All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again."  How true.  Except for you, Shimmer.  You will always be a glowing bastion of a time when my musical appreciation was at its height.

3          "EVERYTHING YOU WANT" - VERTICAL HORIZON

This song just has incredible staying power (my buddy Tom would confirm).  By that, I mean it's a song I could hear a thousand times and never get tired of.  If you've read any of my posts lamenting about women, you would understand why I really identify with the lyrics.  I HAVE said all the right things at exactly the right time but I still mean nothing to these women and I don't know why.  (See?  Even in a post about music, you can't escape my lamenting.)

2          "SLIDE" - GOO GOO DOLLS

"Dizzy Up the Girl" was my album of choice for all those bus rides to away games in high school soccer.  "Iris" may get those most love these days from the general populus but I always had a spot for this song.  It's just catchy. 

1          "WHEN I COME AROUND" - GREEN DAY

Even prior to starting this list, there was little doubt which song would hold this spot.  "Dookie" was one of the first albums I ever owned and given my propensity to lock onto songs played on the radio, this became my de facto jam.  If my boom box ever decides to crap out (still have it from jr. high!), it will be due to repeated plays of this song.  Needed to get pumped up before youth bowling?  This song.  Felt like unwinding after some soccer?  This song.  Just plain wanted to listen to music?  Well, you get the idea.