A Simple Choice

I have two options to choose from for all you single people out there. Which one would you choose?

1. You are guaranteed to live another sixty years with no major health problems.  However, you will be alone that entire time.
2. You have the chance to find true love but it's just that - a chance.  You also have no life assurances.  You could marry your true love and die the next day.

I’ve fiddled with this entry over and over, trying to get the tone and message just right. I fear that pieces of it will be misinterpreted. Sections have been removed. I also wholly acknowledge that some of the remaining parts will sound like some cheesy after-school special. When I mentally considered this passage, visions of grandeur danced in my head. It turned into what seems like a lot of recycled material. Maybe I need a break from writing.

If someone tells you they aren’t looking for a relationship right now, there is a 90% chance it’s a lie, by my calculations. Furthermore, the 10% of truth-tellers will change their minds in a little while once they get over whatever they’re recovering from. The lie is a defense mechanism. I should know; it’s what I did. The pursuit of companionship is an innate drive built into the minds of most people. You can fight off the feeling for a long time but it’s ultimately a battle you cannot win.

My plea has never really changed. Just once, I want to experience what it feels like to have someone chasing after me. I want to be reassured that I could inspire those feelings within someone. Guys often brag about being a ladies’ man, but all I’ve ever wanted to be was a lady’s man. Why can't I ever meet a girl who sees me differently than all the rest? If one person, just one, could fall for me, there could be others. I’d have the confidence to take some more risks if that relationship fizzled out. A ‘no’ wouldn’t feel so demoralizing because the next opportunity would be right around the corner. That’s what I keep telling myself.

I know this is where you're going to tell me that it's on me to rewrite the course of my future. I can't argue with your advice. The thing is, when you’ve only known one way for your whole life, you begin to accept that as gospel. You shrug your shoulders and believe that’s just the way it is meant to be. I can personally vouch that acceptance gets a little bit easier with each passing day, month, and year. It’s a very slippery slope. Even if you do eventually gain traction, you might find yourself looking up the mountain, very far from where you want to be.

The best way to explain my paralysis is that I'm too content in my comfort shell. Things aren’t exactly what I had dreamt of for myself but they aren’t all that bad. I'm getting by just fine, and yet, I can’t help but feel there should be something more. It’s like I'm in the Truman Show, except I'm acutely aware of the world outside my bubble. I'm just too scared to rock the boat and sail beyond the shallow waters for fear of losing everything I do have.

I wake up scared, I wake up strange

I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change

My friend Tom believes there is no point to making friends out of girls at our age. There are only two potential outcomes that are worthy of our time and effort he suggested: either they're someone you can sleep with or they're someone you can spend the rest of your life with. If you're really concerned with having some female friends, they will be part of the package by default when you find a woman that falls into the latter category. If I'm to buy into his theory (and it's starting to make sense), then I should just ask a girl I have interest in. If I lose a friend or things get weird between us, so what?

When it comes to finding someone, I used to operate under the premise that no publicity is bad publicity. If people read about you, they are conscious of you. If they are conscious of you, they start thinking about you. If they start thinking about you, there is a chance they could think favorably of you. If they think favorably of you, there is a chance it could lead to something more, be it a friendship or relationship. At least that was the line of progression I had always mapped out in my misguided mind.

After calling attention to my plight on Facebook in yet another desperate cry for attention, my friend Josh scolded me. Talking about being alone isn’t going to make you any more desirable, he posited. His analogy was this: No one walks into a dealership and asks for the car nobody else is buying. I couldn’t refute that logic; it just made so much damn sense. It was as if I needed to hear it put in those exact words for something to click. At that precise moment, I vowed to stop advertising my relationship status to the world and I think I’ve followed through on it for the most part. (I realize pieces of this post contradict that statement but this doesn't count. Why? Because it's all a necessary foundation for where I'm going.)

His car analogy reminded me of a conversation amongst fellow girl-seeking cohorts from roughly a decade ago where one of the participants likened girls to cars. His theory was that you can’t expect to buy a [insert fancy, expensive car here] immediately. You start with something cheaper, get some mileage out of it, and trade up. You repeat the process as many times as necessary until you acquire the dream car.

So I’m supposed to find somebody, anybody, and keep my eyes open for the next best thing? I can't convince myself that is the proper course of action. Then again, women probably do the same thing. Furthermore, I do see one valuable takeaway that doesn’t scream sleazy, and it ties in with Josh’s point from above. People do sub-consciously want what they can’t have. If you’re off the market, logic dictates that it’s probably for a good reason. At the very least, it’s probably for a reason that others might also buy into.

I don’t want to start dating just anyone though. I’m 30 now. I simply don’t have a lot of time to waste on someone who isn’t “the one” nor do I want to. So yeah, I guess I’m saying I’m looking for the next, and hopefully last, girl in my life. That’s the kind of bold commitment statement that would scare some people off. Easy there, folks. I’m not going to toss out an “I love you” on the first date. I’m merely acknowledging that anyone I'd consider dating has the kind of long-term potential I’m looking for. Shouldn’t they feel honored?

I’m not a subscriber to the theory of love at first sight. You start out liking a person you know nothing about by being physically attracted to them. Shallow perhaps, but true. You begin to like them a little more when you discover common interests and outlooks on life. You grow to truly love a person through time when you discover their secrets and their little quirks - the things not everyone else knows about. You might not even be aware of the feeling at first. Then you wake up one day and you’re totally enveloped in it. You probably can’t even pinpoint where it started. All you know is that you wouldn’t go back to the way things were before you met her. Finally, you know the love is built to last when you go through a major fight and come out the other side still wanting that person as much as ever. I don’t know if that is how love really develops; I’ve never experienced the feeling myself. I can only postulate a theory and that’s what I’m going with. Or maybe I’m channeling one of my favorite movies – Good Will Hunting.

Part of me thinks I’ll say yes to the next girl that shows any interest in me whatsoever. She could even treat me like shit and I would still bend over backwards for her because I’ll believe she is my only and last chance for love. Then I’m shaken back to my senses. I’m too strong-minded to weakly roll over and submit like that. History has proven I’m not afraid to be alone, so I’ll jump ship if I have to. I know I deserve someone who is going to make me as happy as I hope to make them. I don’t want to settle for good not great. Of course, if she asks me to co-own a fantasy team with her or give her advice for her own team, then all bets are off. I might just propose on the spot.

In high school and college, I never expected to get a lot of action. I’ve never been a huge party guy. My general aversion to engaging in reckless activities didn’t exactly put me at the top of people’s wish lists. I bided my time because I knew my day was coming. I wasn’t the guy they wanted but the guy they were going to want. They just didn’t realize it yet. I’m stable, reliable (as long as you accept my usual tardiness), and drama-free with a modest dash of humor and smarts, if I do say so myself. Parents love me. I’m the kind of guy you could bring around and not feel one bit ashamed about. Basically, I’m the perfect guy for a long-term relationship. Alright, I’ll stop before this sounds any more like a dating profile. Still, if all of this doesn’t sound appealing in your mid-to-late twenties, then not even I can provide a life vest for your sinking ship. I hear the North Atlantic in early April is a delightful time for a swim if you’re interested.

Perhaps women want a challenge and they don’t see that opportunity with me. They see a nice, boring guy and wonder what exciting depths they could possibly reach. I would assure them there is more going on than they think and a relationship with me would certainly present its own unique set of challenges.

A few years ago, as I was lamenting the continued success of jerks in the dating world relative to my own, I came across a random article denouncing my asshole counterparts. I saved one snippet in particular with the hopes that one day I could incorporate it into a blog entry. The writer is Linda Holmes and she tries to rationalize why women sometimes choose the guys they do. It didn’t exactly make me feel better but I did gain an appreciation for what I’m working against.

It’s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it’s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here’s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there’s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV… the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn’t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, “There’s a lot going on here.” Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it’s a little… you know, boring. And that’s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You’re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.

I’d love to ask a question to all the women that know me and consider me a friend. Knowing everything you know about me, my history, and my current situation, am I someone you would respect enough to consider dating? Because you have to respect your significant other for the relationship to have any merit. Obviously this question is strictly hypothetical. Many of the women I’d pose this question to have boyfriends of their own. Out of respect to our friendship, I’ve refrained from asking and putting them in an uncomfortable situation. Besides, I’d only want to ask them if they could promise me an honest answer. I would insist upon it. I want to know what my shortcomings are. I have an idea but I need to hear it out of somebody’s mouth.

I'd also love to know if there's ever been someone that wished I had made a move on them. I’d want to learn when and where I messed up so I don’t repeat my mistakes the next time. None of these answers will help me with anybody I’m currently interested in because they’ve already judged me, fairly or not. The answers will help me grow as a potential suitor for the next girl though. It’s all about being better than I was the day before.

I do want to prove to the female population that they’re missing the boat on me though. I want to open their eyes so they can see the person I see when I look in the mirror during a quiet moment alone. The surprising fact is that I have always considered myself someone worthy of being in a relationship. I’ve always had the tools in the toolbox. I just don’t know how to use them. I’ve always felt like all I need is a little confidence. Confidence sells. How can I ever expect a woman to think I’m worth it when I don’t even believe it myself? At the very least I should be able to pretend like I’ve got the confidence. Maybe I can fake it until I make it. Mark Twain once said, “It’s easier to fool people than it is to convince them they’ve been fooled.”

As avid followers of this blog are aware, I’ve dabbled with online dating profiles in the past – Zoosk, Match, OkCupid. I never really committed to it though. Oh sure, I filled out entire profiles, mostly because I just liked writing, especially about myself. As I trolled through one uninspiring profile after another, I began to wonder if I just have ridiculously unrealistic standards and expectations. I have some standards, to be sure, but they weren’t the reason I couldn’t find anyone. My heart simply wasn’t in it. I was viewing but not really looking. I haven’t tried very hard to find that special person and I’ve never really opened myself up to letting that person into my life. I said I wanted someone but I wasn’t prepared to make the sacrifices such a statement signifies. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was confusion, or maybe it was laziness.

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring

Half of my heart is the part of a man who’s never truly loved anything

You too may have heard adults from the previous generation accuse us of growing up with a false sense of entitlement. I begrudgingly have to agree with them even though their hand in this epidemic is stained as well. When you present children with awards for simply participating and promote equality in everything we do, you cultivate a society of mediocrity and false expectations.

OK, that was an unexpected little detour. I just always expected that my traits would shine through and fate would intervene accordingly. I’m coming to learn that you really do get what you give. When I look in the mirror and be brutally honest with myself, I have probably gotten exactly what I deserve when it comes to relationships. That doesn't mean I'm going to change, only that I'm admitting I've been wrong. Isn't that the first step towards recovery?

A little-known fact is that my success rate with obtaining dates is actually pretty high. Many times when I’ve asked I’ve received an affirmative response. I could not begin to explain why that is the case. One possibility is that I’ve usually only asked when some groundwork has already been laid (often by someone else) and the outcome is less in doubt than one might expect. You would think my past success, no matter how limited, would be a springboard to additional opportunities. Girls have said yes to me in the past so the confidence should have been there all along. I don't know why it hasn't been and still isn't.

Are there a couple people I know now that could be possibilities? I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. However, I need to keep reminding myself that if I was boyfriend material to them, I would have known about it. There are plenty of people from my past and even some from my present I’ve wondered “what if” about. What if things went differently that one time? What if I pushed the envelope a little more? It’s interesting, maybe even fun, to fantasize about how different your life could be as you play out different scenarios in the “what if” game. But you’ll drive yourself insane if you spend too much time playing. Forget the “what if” and focus on the “what is”. All you can do now is make the best decision based on the information you have at the time.

It’s funny though. You get to know a woman and become friends with them. As you learn more about them, sometimes you want something more. The problem is you’ve often been relegated to the dreaded “friend zone” by that point. It has brought many a potential relationship to a screeching halt. Isn’t it ironic that our relationship chances with women often decreases as our familiarity increases?

Even though I’ve been single all this time, there has been a flame of hope burning deep down inside of me. Oh, the flame has flickered, but it has never been extinguished. My hope is born from the belief that any second something amazing can happen. The right woman will walk into my life and tie everything together. I know that sounds sappy and you’re probably rolling your eyes right about now, but I don’t care.

 

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up

I guess it’s half timing and the other half’s luck

I made a promise to myself I wouldn’t give up hope despite the odds and history suggesting otherwise. I’m perpetually late, so being forced wait on a woman may be the universe's way of paying me back. I just have to trust that she's finding her way to me as fast as she can. I'll be ready and the wait will make me appreciate her arrival that much more.

Hope can guide you through some troubled times. I need it to keep me going and battle my depression. People must be asking themselves, what could I possibly have to feel depressed about? I have a loving family, a stable job, no outstanding debt (for now), and my health. That is just a subset of the many things I have to be thankful for. And yet, I dwell on my loneliness all the time. Whenever my mind isn't focused on work or an activity I'm engaged in, it's all I'm thinking about. That's why being invited out means so much to me. It's a chance to step outside of my head for a while. Problems are all relative I guess. If I was worse off financially or physically, I’d have a whole different set of problems to fixate on that would trump what pains me now.

Maybe that's why I haven't been more proactive in moving out. I can picture it now: sitting alone in a big house by myself, left to my own thoughts. In my current living situation, I'm at least forced to interact with people.

Most days I can suppress the sadness without any indication of my underlying mood, but on weaker days it bubbles to the surface. Suddenly everyone is grilling me. Co-workers want to know - what’s wrong with Dave? They immediately assume something horrible has happened. Can’t they just let me be? Sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and don’t feel like putting on a show that day. It’s difficult to constantly hide behind a veil of lies. It’s even more difficult to try and explain your way out of the sudden, unwanted attention you receive without exposing your true feelings.

I am nothing more than a little boy inside

That cries out for attention yet I always try to hide

I’ve always viewed depression as something that could easily be remedied by a hug or a swift kick in the ass, depending on the person’s personality. I guess I shouldn’t pretend to be a psychiatrist though. They do make drugs for this kind of thing, but I can’t see myself ever yielding to that solution. I don’t want mind-altering drugs disguising the real me.

Sometimes I really worry about myself. I'd never do anything I would regret for the rest of my life but the constant mental anguish I put myself through cannot be healthy. No matter how times I threaten to stab my brain with a Q-tip it doesn't shut up. I just thank the powers that be for letting me fight through in my own way and come out the other side. I'm still going to have my days of down; we all do. Fortunately, I have gotten a lot better at limiting their duration and bouncing back quicker from them.

I've been able to put the pains and heartbreaks of the past behind. Example? Well, recently I heard the name Kirby and I smiled. Why? Because I realized I hadn’t thought about her for a while until that very moment. Kirby AKA crush #5. I guess I never referred to her by name before, but it feels good to acknowledge her publicly in a turning-of-the-page sort of way. It was a learning experience and it’s become a footnote from my past. If you give time a little time, it does heal everything.

You’ve all learned a lot about me through what I’ve shared with you. It’s been a cathartic process for me even though I'm still searching for the answer to what I truly value in life. I’ve always tried to be honest in my writing and I speak from the heart. I acknowledge that sometimes I may offer up too much but I believe in answering any question from anybody as honestly as I can with as much tact as my wit allows. Sometimes better judgment may intervene and dissuade me from answering, but I like to think I’m pretty responsive when people come asking. I may have inadvertently shooed away some people but I can’t worry too much about the court of public opinion. I just want to keep living it right and trust that I will be judged fairly when it’s all said and done.

I’ve also begun to reassess all my “logic”, specifically with women and relationships. Many of my rules were merely bricks in the fortress of solitude I had walled myself inside. For example, my formulation of the three strikes policy stemmed from a desire to help me figure out which people were worth keeping around in my life and which ones were not. With women, it was always like a secret test I administered. I considered it my own way of pre-screening. I never forgot being scorned at one of my events. I knew they were only rejecting the event but I found a way to make it personal. That was stupid; people are busy and that’s all there is to it. Even if it was personal, it’s not worth carrying the grudge and overlooking the people who do show up.

I’m going to stop trying to make so many rules for love and just try to let it do what it does. I shouldn’t overlook someone because they don’t exactly fit the bill of what I imagined my perfect woman to be. She could be nothing at all like I imagined. Of course, there are certain attributes I’m looking for and certain standards I’d hold her to. However, none of us should be so quick to pigeonhole someone into a certain type of role or prematurely judge someone for the decisions of their past. We all carry baggage with us. It’s just a matter of whether yours can fit in the overhead compartment or not.

During some of my more recent submissions, something else occurred to me. I’m writing this blog for all of the wrong reasons. I often have sneaky motives that an observant individual can identify. In my defense, it’s virtually impossible not to have an “angle” when you’re writing on such a personal level like I have been accustomed to doing. I just don’t want to write about myself anymore…at least not for a while.

I hate to say it but I’ve often felt like there is a direct correlation between my depression level and my blogging. In those moments of vulnerability and despair, I gravitate to the keyboard and churn out what I believe to be my most effective and honest writing. I don’t like the person I have to become in order to be motivated enough to compose something.

This was originally going to be my farewell post but I’ve decided to pump the brakes a little to avoid my own Brett Favre retirement saga. I still enjoy writing and don’t want to close the door entirely on that part of my life. I just can’t promise when, or even if, I’ll post something again. There are too many changes I’d like to make in my life that are hindered by staying at home on a Friday or Saturday night to write.

I see it around me, I see it in everything

I could be so much more than this

So what's it going to be, Dave? Sure I could maintain the status quo but there is a definite ceiling in doing so. Will I break the spell of the typical? It really depends on which day you ask me. I wrote this article over several sittings and my mood shifted from optimistic to sullen and back again. I know it won’t always be smooth sailing but I have to trust that my parents raised me the right way and leave the nest. I know they did. If I’m lucky, I’ll even find a co-captain to help me along the journey. There are a few things I’d like to hammer out before I fully immerse myself in the dating pool but I’m ready to dip my toes in it to get acclimated again. Is she out there? I don't know but I hope I figure it out. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life to begin.

Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears

I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

The Shawshank Redemption is another one of my all-time favorite movies. Andy Dufresne said it best: “It comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.”