This one is a year or so old. I've deviated a little from some of these beliefs but a lot of it still applies. Furthermore, in order to paint a complete picture of myself, it might behoove you to see where I'm coming from and what "growth" I've made.
I thought I’d have more relationship experience at this point by sheer dumb luck. Granted, I don’t go out that often but I’m not a complete hermit (I can hear the chuckles already). There’s activities I participate in where simply “being around” could be enough to spark something. I don’t have a particular interest in engaging in activities where a spark would be more inclined to ignite (the bar scene for example). Is it so inconceivable to think that a girl would approach me on the matter? Perhaps that’s wishful thinking but someone has to initiate right? This has to be so much easier if you’re a girl. Just once, I’d like to be somewhere when a girl sees me and thinks ‘I wonder what he’s all about. I’m going to find out.’ Chances are I would blow it at that point, but the initial interest would be enough to give me a reason to hope.
I’ve often been told there is “a lid for every pot.” I’d like to believe that’s true, so I convince myself that my lid isn’t anywhere in the geographical vicinity or at least in the places I frequent. It’s a convenient excuse. I’m not one of those mopes who claim “love doesn’t exist.” Certainly those people are being facetious but I wish the claim would more accurately reflect the situation: “Love doesn’t exist…for everyone.” You see people who are truly in love and know they were meant to be together. Maybe it’s the perfect chance meeting of fate or they’re your storybook high school sweethearts. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky. It often takes real work and commitment to finding that special someone.
A startling realization hit me the other day: I may in fact be incapable of loving another. Surely I jest right? Well, I’ll use a friend of mine to put some perspective on the matter. After a few dates with a girl (was it even that many?) he proceeded to drive a few hours to the airport to pick her up without any sort of request on her behalf. Unprovoked? Just like that? The nobility of such an act cannot be understated. But that’s when I thought to myself ‘I’d never do that.’ I MIGHT entertain the idea IF I were asked, but I don’t have that chivalric instinct ingrained in my mindset. When I got right down to thinking about it, there has never been any girl in my life that I would have bent over backwards to do anything for. To be fair, there has never been anyone completely smitten with me either (to the best of my knowledge anyway). Recently, I’ve strongly questioned whether such a counterpart exists. Not even a soul mate but someone that can evoke that feeling in me. Certainly some of you will pity me. Perhaps it’s a pitiable state. Perhaps I just haven’t found the right person or they haven’t found me. That’s what I’m always told as if it’s the law. Nevertheless, it has to strike one as odd that there’s never been that someone. Certainly I’ve had the fleeting “crush” with no real substance behind it, but that’s a far cry from true love or even affection to the level where you perform acts such as my friend did.
I can’t be totally shocked by the fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship with anyone. There are countless others in the same situation. What separates me is that I’ve never really tried to ignite such a relationship. And why is that? I say I want to be with someone, I even try to convince myself of it. Yet I never do anything about it and I never totally convince myself it’s what I desire. Deep down I think I understand the realization of what being in love actually means. I can’t say for sure though because it’s an emotion I’ve never experienced. Nonetheless, the harsh reality is that the sacrifices one must make for love are not ones I’ve ever committed to making (nor can I truthfully say I would at this point). I’m not sure where this leaves me. I’ve certainly traveled down the path of a lifetime of solitude. Maybe there is hope because the fact that I’ve become more accepting of a life alone as a realistic outcome saddens, and even frightens, me a little. Would I be feeling that way if I were totally committed to being alone? Or does this just suggest that I don’t want to feel cheated in life? We’ve all been trained to believe that love is the ultimate goal. Our race seeks companionship and damnit, I'm entitled to that. However, is it possible to live a completely fulfilling life having never loved another? If I can obtain an affirmative answer, I may be able to accept that love simply isn’t for everyone and move on to achieve what I hope I’m capable of. in this life. I don't want to always be held back by the "what if". And you know what? Despite all of this, I’m not even bitter towards those that experience love. If you can’t feel resentment over something you’ve never had, do you really even want it in the first place?
So, I seriously doubt my ability to truly love another. I don’t think I have that range of emotional depth. Plus I think I’m just too selfish. I’ve been a late bloomer in just about every facet of my life but it’s becoming painfully obvious love is one plant won’t grow. Although I always stressed about school projects that I would put off until the last minute, there was always that confidence brewing inside that I would come out OK….and I pretty much always did [insert shameless 4.0 GPA plug here]. I don’t have that same confidence in relationships and love. Those feelings aren’t dwelling inside me and there probably isn’t anyone that can draw them out should they exist.
I’ve reached a place where I don’t even think I’d be accepting (maybe even cognizant?) of love or attention from a girl. When you’ve gone as long as I have without, you don’t know anything different. If a girl were to show some interest, I would probably question what her motives were. Surely, it wouldn’t be due to the fact that she had some genuine interest in me? What cruel bet did she lose? What I am in a position to help her out with? Perhaps there may be some thrill seekers out there that dare to boldly go where few have gone before. Women are pretty united in their front against me and I can appreciate their solidarity on some levels. Then again, I might just be some incredible head case, thinking that there is some conspiracy against me (that is the most plausible explanation by the way). I like to consider myself snakebit, chalking any lack of success up to fate. Again, just too convenient. Insanity is described as repeating the same process expecting different results. In my case, that process is doing nothing. Even now as I write this, part of me truly believes this exercise, and this alone, will put the wheels in motion for a change. Someone, somewhere will make it happen...just not me.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Back To Normal
This entry is from several years ago. It's amazing how my overall assessment of the situation is largely the same now as it was in the immediate aftermath. I'd like to say I've made some strides since then but...
Things are back to normal now. Let me expand on that statement with a quick recap. I went on a few dates with a girl but I wouldn’t say we were “going out.” We’re no longer dating. In order to protect her identity (and avoid damaging her social credibility beyond repair), the girl shall remain nameless. These are just some of my thoughts on the experience. There’s nothing in here I care if anybody reads so I’ll post it.
I was very curious when this all started because here was a girl that dared to go where none had gone before. Did she have a little Magellan in her or was she completely unaware of what we she was getting into? The little we did together put her right near the top as far as relationship experiences go. In reality, voluntarily hanging out with me a non-group setting would have done that.
I never really let her in, so it wasn’t that hard to let her go. My response when she broke the news was “Damn, that kinda sucks” (shrug). To be honest, I saw the writing on the wall a few weeks prior. I still liked hanging out with her, so I was willing to wait and see where it would go. I could have addressed the situation but what about me that you know suggests that was going to happen? Plus as the one being “dumped” I become the sympathetic figure. Anyway, I knew I was on borrowed time, so it was just a matter of time until she figured it out. Thankfully, that came before the holidays. I breathed a big sigh of relief because the pressure was off. I could return back to what I know and do best—being single that is.
In typical Younker fashion, one of my first thoughts after I realized what this meant was “I’m off the hook for buying any gifts. Sweet.” Does that make me a bad person? Part of me was kind of intrigued what would happen if Christmas (and her birthday) passed without any gifts from me. I hadn’t decided if I would actually follow through on that plan but man I wanted to. Since we’d only been on a couple dates and it certainly wasn’t serious, I thought there was chance I could play it off with that angle. That’s one Younker policy that’s not gonna get some field testing yet (dang). (Note: I hope to divulge the policies in a full-length novel at a later date but I’m always willing to discuss if asked).
The girl tried to break the news as gracefully as possible, and I appreciated the effort as unnecessary as it was. She gave me several compliments and tried to take shots at herself. All the while I’m thinking “This girl is making this way harder than it has to be.” I did get the “It’s not you, it’s me”, which just made me roll my eyes. She didn’t really just use that line, did she? If you know the George Strait song “Easy Come, Easy Go,” that’s how I walk away from this situation. No regrets, no hard feelings toward her. She should do the same. I’ve concluded that I’m an easy person to break up with. Yes, I have no problem bestowing that quality upon myself after one breakup.
I tried to tell her she’s probably making the right decision though. As I told her, I’ve come to grips with the fact I’m not really boyfriend material (these policies are well-crafted and can’t be so casually tossed aside). Part of me actually believed it too. Asking a girl to be down with my policies is expecting too much I fear. I wouldn’t want to place that burden on anyone. Furthermore, I simply don’t possess the relationship experience most guys my age would. I don’t know how to play the boyfriend. To ask someone to wait while I “catch up” is also a tough thing to ask. It’s kind of a catch-22 at this point though. How do you learn the necessary life experiences without being that anchor to someone?
Keep in mind that this girl doesn’t really know my policies, so that can’t have been a direct cause of the failed relationship. Now what I did (or didn’t) do was a by-product of the prevailing attitude following such policies breeds. So the connection could still be made. I hinted at the presence of some dating policies or philosophies but refused to comment in detail. Maybe she’ll be privy to them later when I defend them in front of a group….or when my book hits shelves. I did have fun bantering with Tom and defending the policies while we were still dating. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t fucked it up yet. He he, it was a good run.
I felt a little snakebit when we were still dating. Winter decided to give me just another reason to hate it. It seemed like every time we were supposed to hang out, the weather just wouldn’t cooperate. I’ve finally got someone to see and the chances of one of us ending up in a ditch if we went out….OK, I’ll just leave it at that. Maybe all this weather resistance was a sign, and part of me believes she took it that way. The last such instance was the Saturday before we ended it. Her best friend was visiting from out of town and a group was supposed to hang out. I knew this was make-or-break time because without the best friend’s seal of approval, we all know you’re dead in the water. Anyway, the weather sucked and I told her I wasn’t coming. It was the logical play. I think part of my problem is I always try to apply logic where it has no business (that is THE founding principle behind the policies by the way). The roads are terrible and we’re going out drinking? Anyone see a flaw there? Furthermore, I’ve got work at 7 AM the next morning and, as of 8:30 that night, no official plans were formed. Nonetheless, the group still went out and whether that affected her decision will perhaps always be a mystery.
Going forward, it was she who suggested we still be friends. I was glad to hear it and said I’d be all for it. I don’t think we passed that point where doing so would be awkward. Now whether she really means it or was merely playing diplomat-only time will tell. It was left open where either could call the other. Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that’s a call I won’t be making. Anyone who doesn’t needs to reread portions of this. It’s not because I wasn’t serious about friendship. I don’t call well….anybody. That’s not how I roll. So she’ll probably get the wrong idea, but if she calls, I’ll make the attempt. The beauty of it now is that I can be selective and avoid the function if I don’t care for the crowd or venue. I’m kinda selfish in that regard, I must admit.
I’m not sure what made me make that first call for a date. It’s so unlike me, you know manning up and all. I think I approached the relationship hoping to gain a new friend. At this stage in my life, I’m convinced I also need more friends who are female just as much as a girlfriend. So in retrospect, that probably wasn’t too fair to her. I don’t know that if my expectations were higher that my actions would have changed. I’m about as low maintenance as possible. I also truthfully told her afterwards I’ve never been accused of caring too much. So, maybe I got what I was looking for in the end. I hope she’s sincere about the friends thing because she is cool and I do enjoy spending time with her.
Follow-up: This girl and I still exchange messages occasionally but it's been a while since we've hung out. I'd consider her more of an acquaintance at this point.
Things are back to normal now. Let me expand on that statement with a quick recap. I went on a few dates with a girl but I wouldn’t say we were “going out.” We’re no longer dating. In order to protect her identity (and avoid damaging her social credibility beyond repair), the girl shall remain nameless. These are just some of my thoughts on the experience. There’s nothing in here I care if anybody reads so I’ll post it.
I was very curious when this all started because here was a girl that dared to go where none had gone before. Did she have a little Magellan in her or was she completely unaware of what we she was getting into? The little we did together put her right near the top as far as relationship experiences go. In reality, voluntarily hanging out with me a non-group setting would have done that.
I never really let her in, so it wasn’t that hard to let her go. My response when she broke the news was “Damn, that kinda sucks” (shrug). To be honest, I saw the writing on the wall a few weeks prior. I still liked hanging out with her, so I was willing to wait and see where it would go. I could have addressed the situation but what about me that you know suggests that was going to happen? Plus as the one being “dumped” I become the sympathetic figure. Anyway, I knew I was on borrowed time, so it was just a matter of time until she figured it out. Thankfully, that came before the holidays. I breathed a big sigh of relief because the pressure was off. I could return back to what I know and do best—being single that is.
In typical Younker fashion, one of my first thoughts after I realized what this meant was “I’m off the hook for buying any gifts. Sweet.” Does that make me a bad person? Part of me was kind of intrigued what would happen if Christmas (and her birthday) passed without any gifts from me. I hadn’t decided if I would actually follow through on that plan but man I wanted to. Since we’d only been on a couple dates and it certainly wasn’t serious, I thought there was chance I could play it off with that angle. That’s one Younker policy that’s not gonna get some field testing yet (dang). (Note: I hope to divulge the policies in a full-length novel at a later date but I’m always willing to discuss if asked).
The girl tried to break the news as gracefully as possible, and I appreciated the effort as unnecessary as it was. She gave me several compliments and tried to take shots at herself. All the while I’m thinking “This girl is making this way harder than it has to be.” I did get the “It’s not you, it’s me”, which just made me roll my eyes. She didn’t really just use that line, did she? If you know the George Strait song “Easy Come, Easy Go,” that’s how I walk away from this situation. No regrets, no hard feelings toward her. She should do the same. I’ve concluded that I’m an easy person to break up with. Yes, I have no problem bestowing that quality upon myself after one breakup.
I tried to tell her she’s probably making the right decision though. As I told her, I’ve come to grips with the fact I’m not really boyfriend material (these policies are well-crafted and can’t be so casually tossed aside). Part of me actually believed it too. Asking a girl to be down with my policies is expecting too much I fear. I wouldn’t want to place that burden on anyone. Furthermore, I simply don’t possess the relationship experience most guys my age would. I don’t know how to play the boyfriend. To ask someone to wait while I “catch up” is also a tough thing to ask. It’s kind of a catch-22 at this point though. How do you learn the necessary life experiences without being that anchor to someone?
Keep in mind that this girl doesn’t really know my policies, so that can’t have been a direct cause of the failed relationship. Now what I did (or didn’t) do was a by-product of the prevailing attitude following such policies breeds. So the connection could still be made. I hinted at the presence of some dating policies or philosophies but refused to comment in detail. Maybe she’ll be privy to them later when I defend them in front of a group….or when my book hits shelves. I did have fun bantering with Tom and defending the policies while we were still dating. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t fucked it up yet. He he, it was a good run.
I felt a little snakebit when we were still dating. Winter decided to give me just another reason to hate it. It seemed like every time we were supposed to hang out, the weather just wouldn’t cooperate. I’ve finally got someone to see and the chances of one of us ending up in a ditch if we went out….OK, I’ll just leave it at that. Maybe all this weather resistance was a sign, and part of me believes she took it that way. The last such instance was the Saturday before we ended it. Her best friend was visiting from out of town and a group was supposed to hang out. I knew this was make-or-break time because without the best friend’s seal of approval, we all know you’re dead in the water. Anyway, the weather sucked and I told her I wasn’t coming. It was the logical play. I think part of my problem is I always try to apply logic where it has no business (that is THE founding principle behind the policies by the way). The roads are terrible and we’re going out drinking? Anyone see a flaw there? Furthermore, I’ve got work at 7 AM the next morning and, as of 8:30 that night, no official plans were formed. Nonetheless, the group still went out and whether that affected her decision will perhaps always be a mystery.
Going forward, it was she who suggested we still be friends. I was glad to hear it and said I’d be all for it. I don’t think we passed that point where doing so would be awkward. Now whether she really means it or was merely playing diplomat-only time will tell. It was left open where either could call the other. Ha! Anyone who knows me knows that’s a call I won’t be making. Anyone who doesn’t needs to reread portions of this. It’s not because I wasn’t serious about friendship. I don’t call well….anybody. That’s not how I roll. So she’ll probably get the wrong idea, but if she calls, I’ll make the attempt. The beauty of it now is that I can be selective and avoid the function if I don’t care for the crowd or venue. I’m kinda selfish in that regard, I must admit.
I’m not sure what made me make that first call for a date. It’s so unlike me, you know manning up and all. I think I approached the relationship hoping to gain a new friend. At this stage in my life, I’m convinced I also need more friends who are female just as much as a girlfriend. So in retrospect, that probably wasn’t too fair to her. I don’t know that if my expectations were higher that my actions would have changed. I’m about as low maintenance as possible. I also truthfully told her afterwards I’ve never been accused of caring too much. So, maybe I got what I was looking for in the end. I hope she’s sincere about the friends thing because she is cool and I do enjoy spending time with her.
Follow-up: This girl and I still exchange messages occasionally but it's been a while since we've hung out. I'd consider her more of an acquaintance at this point.
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