This one is a year or so old. I've deviated a little from some of these beliefs but a lot of it still applies. Furthermore, in order to paint a complete picture of myself, it might behoove you to see where I'm coming from and what "growth" I've made.
I thought I’d have more relationship experience at this point by sheer dumb luck. Granted, I don’t go out that often but I’m not a complete hermit (I can hear the chuckles already). There’s activities I participate in where simply “being around” could be enough to spark something. I don’t have a particular interest in engaging in activities where a spark would be more inclined to ignite (the bar scene for example). Is it so inconceivable to think that a girl would approach me on the matter? Perhaps that’s wishful thinking but someone has to initiate right? This has to be so much easier if you’re a girl. Just once, I’d like to be somewhere when a girl sees me and thinks ‘I wonder what he’s all about. I’m going to find out.’ Chances are I would blow it at that point, but the initial interest would be enough to give me a reason to hope.
I’ve often been told there is “a lid for every pot.” I’d like to believe that’s true, so I convince myself that my lid isn’t anywhere in the geographical vicinity or at least in the places I frequent. It’s a convenient excuse. I’m not one of those mopes who claim “love doesn’t exist.” Certainly those people are being facetious but I wish the claim would more accurately reflect the situation: “Love doesn’t exist…for everyone.” You see people who are truly in love and know they were meant to be together. Maybe it’s the perfect chance meeting of fate or they’re your storybook high school sweethearts. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky. It often takes real work and commitment to finding that special someone.
A startling realization hit me the other day: I may in fact be incapable of loving another. Surely I jest right? Well, I’ll use a friend of mine to put some perspective on the matter. After a few dates with a girl (was it even that many?) he proceeded to drive a few hours to the airport to pick her up without any sort of request on her behalf. Unprovoked? Just like that? The nobility of such an act cannot be understated. But that’s when I thought to myself ‘I’d never do that.’ I MIGHT entertain the idea IF I were asked, but I don’t have that chivalric instinct ingrained in my mindset. When I got right down to thinking about it, there has never been any girl in my life that I would have bent over backwards to do anything for. To be fair, there has never been anyone completely smitten with me either (to the best of my knowledge anyway). Recently, I’ve strongly questioned whether such a counterpart exists. Not even a soul mate but someone that can evoke that feeling in me. Certainly some of you will pity me. Perhaps it’s a pitiable state. Perhaps I just haven’t found the right person or they haven’t found me. That’s what I’m always told as if it’s the law. Nevertheless, it has to strike one as odd that there’s never been that someone. Certainly I’ve had the fleeting “crush” with no real substance behind it, but that’s a far cry from true love or even affection to the level where you perform acts such as my friend did.
I can’t be totally shocked by the fact that I’ve never had a serious relationship with anyone. There are countless others in the same situation. What separates me is that I’ve never really tried to ignite such a relationship. And why is that? I say I want to be with someone, I even try to convince myself of it. Yet I never do anything about it and I never totally convince myself it’s what I desire. Deep down I think I understand the realization of what being in love actually means. I can’t say for sure though because it’s an emotion I’ve never experienced. Nonetheless, the harsh reality is that the sacrifices one must make for love are not ones I’ve ever committed to making (nor can I truthfully say I would at this point). I’m not sure where this leaves me. I’ve certainly traveled down the path of a lifetime of solitude. Maybe there is hope because the fact that I’ve become more accepting of a life alone as a realistic outcome saddens, and even frightens, me a little. Would I be feeling that way if I were totally committed to being alone? Or does this just suggest that I don’t want to feel cheated in life? We’ve all been trained to believe that love is the ultimate goal. Our race seeks companionship and damnit, I'm entitled to that. However, is it possible to live a completely fulfilling life having never loved another? If I can obtain an affirmative answer, I may be able to accept that love simply isn’t for everyone and move on to achieve what I hope I’m capable of. in this life. I don't want to always be held back by the "what if". And you know what? Despite all of this, I’m not even bitter towards those that experience love. If you can’t feel resentment over something you’ve never had, do you really even want it in the first place?
So, I seriously doubt my ability to truly love another. I don’t think I have that range of emotional depth. Plus I think I’m just too selfish. I’ve been a late bloomer in just about every facet of my life but it’s becoming painfully obvious love is one plant won’t grow. Although I always stressed about school projects that I would put off until the last minute, there was always that confidence brewing inside that I would come out OK….and I pretty much always did [insert shameless 4.0 GPA plug here]. I don’t have that same confidence in relationships and love. Those feelings aren’t dwelling inside me and there probably isn’t anyone that can draw them out should they exist.
I’ve reached a place where I don’t even think I’d be accepting (maybe even cognizant?) of love or attention from a girl. When you’ve gone as long as I have without, you don’t know anything different. If a girl were to show some interest, I would probably question what her motives were. Surely, it wouldn’t be due to the fact that she had some genuine interest in me? What cruel bet did she lose? What I am in a position to help her out with? Perhaps there may be some thrill seekers out there that dare to boldly go where few have gone before. Women are pretty united in their front against me and I can appreciate their solidarity on some levels. Then again, I might just be some incredible head case, thinking that there is some conspiracy against me (that is the most plausible explanation by the way). I like to consider myself snakebit, chalking any lack of success up to fate. Again, just too convenient. Insanity is described as repeating the same process expecting different results. In my case, that process is doing nothing. Even now as I write this, part of me truly believes this exercise, and this alone, will put the wheels in motion for a change. Someone, somewhere will make it happen...just not me.
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