Farewell

By most accounts, 2014 was a very exciting and productive year for me.  I bought a house and it’s somehow still standing.  I accepted a different position within my company, which resulted in multiple trips to Puerto Rico and places in the U.S. and Canada I had never visited.  (I saw very little in those places besides the office and the hotel but that’s beside the point.)  I capped off another fulfilling season of coaching youth soccer with a 1^st place finish in our local all-star tournament.  I returned to the softball diamond and the soccer pitch and my repaired knee held up.  I collected two more fantasy baseball championships and two more fantasy football championships.  I’m grateful for all that life has thrown my way and I hope it’s never actually as awful as I may pretend it is on Facebook or in this blog.

I’m the kind of person who can score 98 out 100 on a test and fixate on the 2 questions that I missed.  It’s just the way I’m wired.  So, despite all of the good I mentioned above, I convinced myself that I was unhappy for most of the year.  For a small window, I felt the joy of being happy, legitimately happy.  I felt like everything in my life was coming together just the way I had drawn it up.  Of course, for this happiness to exist there would have to be a woman involved.  Naturally, there she was, right in the center of my world.  I don’t need to connect the dots for you to guess that things didn’t turn out as I had hoped.  I was bitter for a while.  It felt like God was teasing me.  Here is a taste of what happiness could be like but now I’m going to take it away.  I didn’t know what was worse – being stuck in limbo wondering if happiness is even possible or knowing that it is possible but being unable to grasp it.   

This became my de facto go-to song for the latter half of 2014.

There have been so few people I’ve come across that I’ve been attracted to on so many levels.  I was just so damn sure that it was going to work out.  I don’t ask many women out because it’s hard for me to find one that I want to invest my time into.  When I do, it’s after I’ve carefully thought it through and weighed the pros and cons I know about.  It’s like I’m shopping around until I find the rug that really ties the room together.  When you put a woman on a pedestal like that, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.  Inevitably you’ll find something to dislike because we’re all imperfect beings.  Is that loose thread in the rug really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things?  Too late.  You’re already feeling duped and want to return the purchase. 

I guess that’s what made it such a hard pill to swallow.  I was the one who ended it.  It’s as if I didn’t know how to deal with success or happiness.  I certainly don’t profess to know what I’m doing when it comes to relationships.  In my mind, I had a preconceived idea of what that one was supposed to be like.  When things didn’t go exactly as I planned, I panicked and took the easy way out.  After my initial denial wore off and the reality of my decision had set in, hardly a day went by that I didn’t wish I could take it back.  I held it together well enough to maintain a normal outward appearance.  Internally, it was a different story.  I was imprisoned in a mental jail cell.  I know that I could have left that cell at any time but I’m much too hard on myself to allow for a quick exit.

I’ve spent a ton of time trying to figure out why I decided the relationship wasn’t going to work for me, and I’ve come to a conclusion.  Believe me when I say that I want there to be a better reason.  This one is so petty and childish.  In my mind, I was into her more than she was into me.  Put another way, I was more dependent upon her than she was on me.  It made me feel inferior and I had a hard time dealing with it.  I know.  Stupid, right?  It takes a while to enter the circle of trust and I definitely hadn’t earned my place yet.  Gee, this hindsight stuff really is 20-20.

Maybe we did view each other on different levels, but it didn’t mean that something was wrong or that she wasn’t interested.  In the past, I’ve been accused of being too distant and disinterested and I eventually lost those women.  I didn’t want to repeat that same mistake.  I understand that’s a poor excuse but it’s what I was fighting against.  I wanted too much too soon and I didn’t give her a chance to figure out how she really felt about me.  I took the decision out of her hands; rather, I made it very easy for her to decide.  I tried to bide my time and make the long, slow trek back up the mountain.  I really wanted that second chance but it wasn’t meant to be.

I got caught up in the long-term and the big picture.  I was playing a game of mental chess and I was focused on ten moves down the road.  That means nothing if the next move isn’t the right one.  Nobody knows what the future holds.  You have to allow for change in others and in yourself.  People with different outlooks today could grow to want the same thing, whatever that ends up being.  What you can control is the present and your happiness in the moment.  If you’re happy now with someone right now (as I was), then let that be enough.  Worry about the future when it arrives.

There are many possible outcomes in life.  It’s foolish to lock myself into one possible outcome as if it’s the only thing that could make me happy.  It’s also foolish to lock myself into believing that there is only one possible woman that could make me happy or be my partner in that outcome.  There is no way anybody could live up to those expectations.  I just need to take it slow with someone and accept the things that unfold before me.  I guess I’ve learned (or started learning) not to judge a book by its cover.  At the very least, I should open it up and read a few pages after I’ve made my judgment.  As I discovered in this past year, I might just fall for someone I didn't think possible.

Now that it’s all said and done, I choose to view the whole experience as a positive one.  No bridges were burned and I hold no grudges.  Maybe an outside observer would say the intersection of our paths was all just random chance but I don’t believe that to be so.  People are placed in our lives for a reason.  It may be to provide a simple reminder or it may be to teach you an important lesson.  I learned plenty and I hope I was paying attention well enough to successfully apply that knowledge when opportunity comes knocking again, and it will come knocking.  I actually went on a couple dates with other girls later in the year.  I had an enjoyable time with both of them but I didn’t pursue anything further.  I knew that I wasn’t ready for it and I didn’t feel it was fair to lead them on if my heart was divided.

I knew I just needed to get on with my life but it was never that easy for me.  She occupied an awful lot of time and space in my brain.  I had finally felt the pain of a broken heart and it confused the hell out of me.  I thought was invincible in the suit of armor I wore.  I thought that nobody could ever get to me in that way.  I’m relieved to know that I was wrong.  I’m vulnerable but I’m normal…ok, that’s a stretch.  Let’s just agree that I’m not a robot.

With all due respect to Bruce Hornsby, I think I enjoy this cover more than the original.

I went out for drinks with friends a few weeks ago.  When the conversation inevitably turned to women and our present situations, I reluctantly shared my demise.  My buddy Justin suggested that I was a “best kept secret” and women would want to sink their teeth into me if they ever realized what I’ve got going for me.  It’s easy to tell that to yourself (as I often do) but I inevitably want to take the other side of the argument and cite the facts when someone tries to sing your praises.  Do you know who you’re talking about?  Are you aware of my history?  (You’re a good friend, Justin.  I’m just being overly dramatic per usual.  We in the journalism business call it sensationalism.)

Nonetheless, I wondered exactly what I might have going for me.  I sat down and made a list of all my qualities and assets.  Yes, there is an actual sheet of paper sitting in my home office.  If you know me at all, that shouldn’t come as any shock.  Realizing that such a list would lend itself to being subjective, I tried to concentrate more on the factual items of my life.  Upon its completion, I reviewed the list.  Not bad, I thought to myself.  (I’m working on this whole positive attitude thing so bear with me.)  Can I just post this somewhere and let the responses roll in?  Then I reminded myself that I’m not applying for a job and that list isn’t my resume. 

People want to learn about you on their own terms and I need to afford them that opportunity.  (That reminds me.  If I’m really going to give online dating a shot, I should condense my profile…and probably discontinue this blog immediately.)  It’s a bit overwhelming to thrust the sum of who you are upon someone all at once.  Or, at the very least, I should supplement my list of positives with a list of cautionary items.  I’ve got to be fair.  These women might as well have the whole story before they get involved. 

People ask me why I’d want to complicate my life with a woman in it.  I’m the master of my castle and I can do whatever the hell I want whenever I damn well please.  I don’t have to answer to anybody and there is no drama.  Sounds pretty good right?  All of those things are certainly true and I enjoy my alone time as much as the next person.  However, there are just some things that are better with somebody else.  I already know what my opponent is going to do next when I play a game of chess.  There is nobody there to roll their eyes at my clever quips or join me in enjoying a Bulls, Hawks, or Sox game (Bears too I guess [sigh]).  Plus my wrist is really starting to bother me.  (Calm down.  I kid, of course.)

How can I be certain that things will be better the next time around?  I can’t.  In fact, all I really know is just how little I do know.   My head still tries to tell me why it wouldn’t work with someone.  It reminds me that I’m still the same paranoid person who makes bad assumptions and has unrealistic expectations.  Maybe I just need someone who will tell me when (which is always) to stop overthinking it. 

I’m much too honest for my own good with women, and I’m not only going to tell them what they want to hear or only what benefits me.  It’s probably cost me more times than I can count.  I’ll never shy away from the serious stuff or an argument if I think it’s an important conversation to have.  Everyone loves sunny days and I do want it to be shining as often as possible.  However, storms will come from time to time and I need someone who can stand the rain.  I’ll just try to wait a little while before we go dancing in it and I'll remember to bring her an umbrella.  I may be misguided at times but my intentions are genuine. 

In 2014, I wasn’t ready yet for a relationship.  That much is clear to me now.  [Warning: lame sports reference upcoming.]  It’s like I got called up to the majors and missed everything I swung at.  I needed to fail and learn those lessons I shared above.  I went back down to the minors for more seasoning and I’m going to be better off for it.  The next time I get a chance in the show, I’ll be ready to hit the curve.  I’m not saying that the next girl will be the last or even that I’m hoping she will be.  That’s exactly the type of thinking that did me in before.  All I can say for sure is that I will be more prepared to handle a relationship if it comes my way. 

Yes, I missed a few questions on the 2014 test but I also got many of them right.  That’s something to be happy about and I don’t need to waste any more time convincing myself otherwise.  I enter 2015 with no expectations and no wishful New Year resolutions.  I’m better than I was but I’m still going to make mistakes.  I’m a guy.  It’s kind of what we do.  I won’t be afraid to make those mistakes though.  No, the mistakes of the past can’t be rewritten but every new opportunity is a chance to make them obsolete.

This song has nothing to do with this post but I’m into it at the moment, so why not?

As those who really know me are well aware, I march to my own beat.  Most guys wouldn’t take the time to sit down and type out their thoughts and feelings but I’m not most guys, for better AND for worse.  I rather enjoy, perhaps a little too much, being able to say that and believe it.  People with a lot on their mind have different ways of dealing with life.  Some gorge on food, some turn to the bottle, and others lean heavily on their faith, to name a few examples.  I chose to write when the situation moved me.  It’s as if I needed to have people justify my thoughts and actions.  There were messages that I wanted to communicate as a means to a desired end and I thought my writing was the best vehicle to deliver them. 

In case you breezed through that sentence above, I’ll repeat it.  I chose to write.  Yes, I’ve decided to call it quits on The Younker Rules. 

It has certainly been fun and cathartic to write most of these posts but this won’t be some bittersweet farewell.  I’m not saying goodbye to a dear friend or ending a long-lasting relationship with someone.  I was just writing a blog.  It was a part of my life and now it won’t be.  Like I said, people grow and they change.  Quite simply, writing and sharing posts like these is an activity that I don’t really need to do anymore as a way of coping.  But more importantly, it’s an activity that I don’t really care to do anymore.  I’m sure some will consider the timing of my decision curious and suggest this is merely the product of a New Year’s driven change.  It just kind of worked out that way.  I had thought about this step for a while actually.  I even considered not finishing this entry.  The struggles in getting through it further helped to validate that I had made the right decision.  I eventually convinced myself to write once more for old time’s sake.

I went back to reread some of my old posts.  There are definitely some duds in there but others that I feel pretty proud of.  I’ve written a few different types of entries over the course of this blog’s lifespan.  The personal entries that I’ve written have been a window into my mind and heart.  Every word you read was the absolute truth as I saw it.  Like this entry, those were the hardest to write because you never know how people will react or judge you.  Fantasy sports are a huge part of my life.  I knew the writings on that subject matter wouldn’t be very interesting to most people, but it gave me a taste of what my dream job could be like and I enjoyed writing them as much as anything.  I gave you more music countdowns than you probably cared about but who doesn’t love a good argument over which songs are the best?  There were also random stories from my life.  The advice I gave and the lessons passed on really were meant to be helpful.  Last but not least, you read about many of my life theories and rules.  Some of them were guidelines I believe in or used to believe in at one point in my life.  Others were half-assed concepts that I wanted to toss out there for general consumption.  All of them were designed to give you a chuckle, even if it was at my expense.

The charter mission of this blog – to communicate my “rules” – is one that I can no longer uphold.  That’s yet another reason it is time for the blog to come to an end.  Of course it was amusing to pretend like I had it all figured out and share my vision of a better life for all.  But you know what?  It was also fucking exhausting to be that person.  Perhaps my most well-known doctrine is the three strikes policy.  It’s fitting that’s what people remember the most because it perfectly symbolizes the unnecessary effort I put into certain aspects of living life.  Accordingly, it might interest some of you to know that I have abolished the policy.  I hereby absolve everyone of any strikes that they may have incurred.  Yes, I’m feeling quite alright.  It’s the best departing gift I can offer you.  I am shredding the mental files as you read this. 

I suppose this is the part where I thank all of my loyal followers.  I know there is no shortage of articles to read or games to pass the time but you chose to indulge me for a few minutes of your day.  That’s pretty cool.  I’ll put the rumors to rest.  I’m not going anywhere and I’m not dying.  I guess I’ll just be a bit more of the enigma that my blog description says I am.

Cheers!

Yeah, I know I’m ripping off the Seinfeld ending and I’m perfectly OK with that.  Plus it gives me one last excuse to get Green Day in my blog.