I’m the kind of person who can score 98 out 100 on a test and
fixate on the 2 questions that I missed.
It’s just the way I’m wired. So,
despite all of the good I mentioned above, I convinced myself that I was
unhappy for most of the year. For a
small window, I felt the joy of being happy, legitimately happy. I felt like everything in my life was coming
together just the way I had drawn it up.
Of course, for this happiness to exist there would have to be a woman
involved. Naturally, there she was,
right in the center of my world. I don’t
need to connect the dots for you to guess that things didn’t turn out as I had
hoped. I was bitter for a while. It felt like God was teasing me. Here is
a taste of what happiness could be like but now I’m going to take it away. I didn’t know what was worse – being stuck in
limbo wondering if happiness is even possible or knowing that it is possible but
being unable to grasp it.
This became my de facto
go-to song for the latter half of 2014.
There have been so few people I’ve come across that I’ve
been attracted to on so many levels. I
was just so damn sure that it was going to work out. I don’t ask many women out because it’s hard
for me to find one that I want to invest my time into. When I do, it’s after I’ve carefully thought
it through and weighed the pros and cons I know about. It’s like I’m shopping around until I find
the rug that really ties the room together.
When you put a woman on a pedestal like that, you’re setting yourself up
for disappointment. Inevitably you’ll find
something to dislike because we’re all imperfect beings. Is that loose thread in the rug really that
big of a deal in the grand scheme of things?
Too late. You’re already feeling
duped and want to return the purchase.
I guess that’s what made it such a hard pill to
swallow. I was the one who ended it. It’s as if I didn’t know how to deal with
success or happiness. I certainly don’t profess
to know what I’m doing when it comes to relationships. In my mind, I had a preconceived idea of what
that one was supposed to be like. When
things didn’t go exactly as I planned, I panicked and took the easy way
out. After my initial denial wore off
and the reality of my decision had set in, hardly a day went by that I didn’t
wish I could take it back. I held it together
well enough to maintain a normal outward appearance. Internally, it was a different story. I was imprisoned in a mental jail cell. I know that I could have left that cell at any
time but I’m much too hard on myself to allow for a quick exit.
I’ve spent a ton of time trying to figure out why I decided
the relationship wasn’t going to work for me, and I’ve come to a
conclusion. Believe me when I say that I
want there to be a better reason. This
one is so petty and childish. In my
mind, I was into her more than she was into me.
Put another way, I was more dependent upon her than she was on me. It made me feel inferior and I had a hard
time dealing with it. I know. Stupid, right? It takes a while to enter the circle of trust
and I definitely hadn’t earned my place yet.
Gee, this hindsight stuff really is 20-20.
Maybe we did view each other on different levels, but it
didn’t mean that something was wrong or that she wasn’t interested. In the past, I’ve been accused of being too
distant and disinterested and I eventually lost those women. I didn’t want to repeat that same mistake. I understand that’s a poor excuse but it’s
what I was fighting against. I wanted
too much too soon and I didn’t give her a chance to figure out how she really
felt about me. I took the decision out
of her hands; rather, I made it very easy for her to decide. I tried to bide my time and make the long,
slow trek back up the mountain. I really
wanted that second chance but it wasn’t meant to be.
I got caught up in the long-term and the big picture. I was playing a game of mental chess and I was
focused on ten moves down the road. That
means nothing if the next move isn’t the right one. Nobody knows what the future holds. You have to allow for change in others and in
yourself. People with different outlooks
today could grow to want the same thing, whatever that ends up being. What you can control is the present and your
happiness in the moment. If you’re happy
now with someone right now (as I was), then let that be enough. Worry about the future when it arrives.
There are many possible outcomes in life. It’s foolish to lock myself into one possible
outcome as if it’s the only thing that could make me happy. It’s also foolish to lock myself into
believing that there is only one possible woman that could make me happy or be
my partner in that outcome. There is no
way anybody could live up to those expectations. I just need to take it slow with someone and
accept the things that unfold before me.
I guess I’ve learned (or started learning) not to judge a book by its
cover. At the very least, I should open
it up and read a few pages after I’ve made my judgment. As I discovered in this past year, I might just fall for someone I didn't think possible.
Now that it’s all said and done, I choose to view the whole experience
as a positive one. No bridges were
burned and I hold no grudges. Maybe an
outside observer would say the intersection of our paths was all just random
chance but I don’t believe that to be so.
People are placed in our lives for a reason. It may be to provide a simple reminder or it
may be to teach you an important lesson.
I learned plenty and I hope I was paying attention well enough to successfully
apply that knowledge when opportunity comes knocking again, and it will come knocking. I actually went on a couple dates with other
girls later in the year. I had an
enjoyable time with both of them but I didn’t pursue anything further. I knew that I wasn’t ready for it and I didn’t
feel it was fair to lead them on if my heart was divided.
I knew I just needed to get on with my life but it was never
that easy for me. She occupied an awful
lot of time and space in my brain. I had
finally felt the pain of a broken heart and it confused the hell out of me. I thought was invincible in the suit of armor
I wore. I thought that nobody could ever
get to me in that way. I’m relieved to
know that I was wrong. I’m vulnerable
but I’m normal…ok, that’s a stretch. Let’s
just agree that I’m not a robot.
With all due respect to Bruce Hornsby, I think I enjoy this cover more than the original.
I went out for drinks with friends a few weeks ago. When the conversation inevitably turned to
women and our present situations, I reluctantly shared my demise. My buddy Justin suggested that I was a “best
kept secret” and women would want to sink their teeth into me if they ever
realized what I’ve got going for me. It’s
easy to tell that to yourself (as I often do) but I inevitably want to take the
other side of the argument and cite the facts when someone tries to sing your
praises. Do you know who you’re talking about?
Are you aware of my history? (You’re
a good friend, Justin. I’m just being
overly dramatic per usual. We in the journalism
business call it sensationalism.)
Nonetheless, I wondered exactly what I might have going for
me. I sat down and made a list of all my
qualities and assets. Yes, there is an
actual sheet of paper sitting in my home office. If you know me at all, that shouldn’t come as
any shock. Realizing that such a list
would lend itself to being subjective, I tried to concentrate more on the
factual items of my life. Upon its
completion, I reviewed the list. Not
bad, I thought to myself. (I’m working on
this whole positive attitude thing so bear with me.) Can I
just post this somewhere and let the responses roll in? Then I reminded myself that I’m not
applying for a job and that list isn’t my resume.
People want to learn about you on their own terms and I need
to afford them that opportunity. (That
reminds me. If I’m really going to give
online dating a shot, I should condense my profile…and probably discontinue
this blog immediately.) It’s a bit overwhelming
to thrust the sum of who you are upon someone all at once. Or, at the very least, I should
supplement my list of positives with a list of cautionary items. I’ve got to be fair. These women might as well have the whole story
before they get involved.
People ask me why I’d want to complicate my life with a
woman in it. I’m the master of my castle
and I can do whatever the hell I want whenever I damn well please. I don’t have to answer to anybody and there
is no drama. Sounds pretty good
right? All of those things are certainly
true and I enjoy my alone time as much as the next person. However, there are just some things that are
better with somebody else. I already
know what my opponent is going to do next when I play a game of chess. There is nobody there to roll their eyes at
my clever quips or join me in enjoying a Bulls, Hawks, or Sox game (Bears too I
guess [sigh]). Plus my wrist is really
starting to bother me. (Calm down. I kid, of
course.)
How can I be certain that things will be better the next time
around? I can’t. In fact, all I really know is just how little
I do know. My head still tries to tell me why it wouldn’t
work with someone. It reminds me that
I’m still the same paranoid person who makes bad assumptions and has
unrealistic expectations. Maybe I just
need someone who will tell me when (which is always) to stop overthinking it.
I’m much too honest for my own good with women, and I’m not only
going to tell them what they want to hear or only what benefits me. It’s probably cost me more times than I can
count. I’ll never shy away from the
serious stuff or an argument if I think it’s an important conversation to have. Everyone loves sunny days and I do want it to be
shining as often as possible. However,
storms will come from time to time and I need someone who can stand the
rain. I’ll just try to wait a little while before we go dancing in it and I'll remember to bring her an
umbrella. I may be misguided at times but
my intentions are genuine.
In 2014, I wasn’t ready yet for a relationship. That much is clear to me now. [Warning: lame sports reference
upcoming.] It’s like I got called up to
the majors and missed everything I swung at.
I needed to fail and learn those lessons I shared above. I went back down to the minors for more
seasoning and I’m going to be better off for it. The next time I get a chance in the show, I’ll
be ready to hit the curve. I’m not
saying that the next girl will be the last or even that I’m hoping she will
be. That’s exactly the type of thinking
that did me in before. All I can say for
sure is that I will be more prepared to handle a relationship if it comes my
way.
Yes, I missed a few questions on the 2014 test but I also
got many of them right. That’s something
to be happy about and I don’t need to waste any more time convincing myself
otherwise. I enter 2015 with no
expectations and no wishful New Year resolutions. I’m better than I was but I’m still going to
make mistakes. I’m a guy. It’s kind of what we do. I won’t be afraid to make those mistakes
though. No, the mistakes of the past can’t
be rewritten but every new opportunity is a chance to make them obsolete.
This song has nothing
to do with this post but I’m into it at the moment, so why not?
As those who really know me are well aware, I march to my
own beat. Most guys wouldn’t take the
time to sit down and type out their thoughts and feelings but I’m not most
guys, for better AND for worse. I rather
enjoy, perhaps a little too much, being able to say that and believe it. People with a lot on their mind have
different ways of dealing with life.
Some gorge on food, some turn to the bottle, and others lean heavily on
their faith, to name a few examples. I
chose to write when the situation moved me.
It’s as if I needed to have people justify my thoughts and actions. There were messages that I wanted to
communicate as a means to a desired end and I thought my writing was the best vehicle
to deliver them.
In case you breezed through that sentence above, I’ll repeat
it. I chose to write. Yes, I’ve
decided to call it quits on The Younker
Rules.
It has certainly been fun and cathartic to write most of
these posts but this won’t be some bittersweet farewell. I’m not saying goodbye to a dear friend or ending
a long-lasting relationship with someone.
I was just writing a blog. It was
a part of my life and now it won’t be. Like
I said, people grow and they change. Quite
simply, writing and sharing posts like these is an activity that I don’t really
need to do anymore as a way of coping. But more
importantly, it’s an activity that I don’t really care
to do anymore. I’m sure some will consider
the timing of my decision curious and suggest this is merely the product of a New
Year’s driven change. It just kind of
worked out that way. I had thought about
this step for a while actually. I even
considered not finishing this entry. The
struggles in getting through it further helped to validate that I had made the
right decision. I eventually convinced
myself to write once more for old time’s sake.
I went back to reread some of my old posts. There are definitely some duds in there but others
that I feel pretty proud of. I’ve
written a few different types of entries over the course of this blog’s
lifespan. The personal entries that I’ve
written have been a window into my mind and heart. Every word you read was the absolute truth as
I saw it. Like this entry, those were
the hardest to write because you never know how people will react or judge you. Fantasy sports are a huge part of my
life. I knew the writings on that
subject matter wouldn’t be very interesting to most people, but it gave me a
taste of what my dream job could be like and I enjoyed writing them as much as
anything. I gave you more music
countdowns than you probably cared about but who doesn’t love a good argument
over which songs are the best? There
were also random stories from my life. The
advice I gave and the lessons passed on really were meant to be helpful. Last but not least, you read about many of my
life theories and rules. Some of them
were guidelines I believe in or used to believe in at one point in my
life. Others were half-assed concepts
that I wanted to toss out there for general consumption. All of them were designed to give you a
chuckle, even if it was at my expense.
The charter mission of this blog – to communicate my “rules”
– is one that I can no longer uphold.
That’s yet another reason it is time for the blog to come to an
end. Of course it was amusing to pretend
like I had it all figured out and share my vision of a better life for
all. But you know what? It was also fucking exhausting to be that
person. Perhaps my most well-known doctrine
is the three strikes policy. It’s
fitting that’s what people remember the most because it perfectly symbolizes the
unnecessary effort I put into certain aspects of living life. Accordingly, it might interest some of you to
know that I have abolished the policy. I
hereby absolve everyone of any strikes that they may have incurred. Yes, I’m feeling quite alright. It’s the best departing gift I can offer
you. I am shredding the mental files as
you read this.
I suppose this is the part where I thank all of my loyal
followers. I know there is no shortage
of articles to read or games to pass the time but you chose to indulge me for a
few minutes of your day. That’s pretty
cool. I’ll put the rumors to rest. I’m not going anywhere and I’m not
dying. I guess I’ll just be a bit more
of the enigma that my blog description says I am.
Cheers!
Yeah, I know I’m ripping off the Seinfeld ending and I’m perfectly OK
with that. Plus it gives me one last
excuse to get Green Day in my blog.
