Sunday, September 1, 2013

Advance Days

It's been a little while since I've posted anything not related to fantasy football and, with recaps of recent drafts on the docket, that drought may continue.  I feel compelled to share something that doesn't apply to a small niche of my followers, so I'm taking the easy way out.  Below are writings from my personal journal back in 2006.  (Hey, if you haven't seen it, it's new to you.)  They deal with my feelings towards my first real job out of college.  These are pre-Applied days of course.  I can't promise the writing is all that good or entertaining.  In fact, I can almost promise the exact opposite.  Looking back, I can shake my head at some of the things I wrote.  Still, it's important to see where you came from to truly understand who you are. 


1-24-06

How much longer can I do this?  Only 2 days and I’m already dreading the new job.  Having to drive 120 miles every day is absolutely KILLING me.  My anger rises when I’m in the car and I have to refill my tank every 2-3 days.  I just want to leave but I won’t.  Why?  Because I am better than just about anyone I know at sticking out something I hate.  I went to a college I didn’t really want to be at, and I have stuck around at Sports Authority longer than I wanted. (I’ve outlasted everyone that started when I did.)  I know, that’s not something to be really proud of.

I was just so desperate for a change in my life.  I hated seeing all my friends with jobs.  I hated working with people I knew I was smarter than only to see them earn more.  Another reason for taking the job was to satisfy my parents.  I didn’t want to embarrass them any longer.  They could proudly tell those who asked about their son’s “real” job.  My mom just looked so glad when I came home today and yesterday.  I couldn’t let her down.  I’d also feel guilty about quitting so quickly.  Advance took me in and this is how I repay them?  I’d be branded a quitter.  My dad may also be a new client of the company, which further complicates matters.  It would not be a clean break, and I don’t want to leave the pieces for my dad. 

I guess I just want to find a more ideal situation.  It should not be so hard for someone with my resume. I’m just not good at initiating things – anything – and I have to suffer.  I’m a nice guy and I DESERVE better, but then I realize that nothing is promised to us in the world.  So why don’t I move closer to work?  Because I am thoroughly convinced that I cannot live on my own.  I erred badly not going away to school.  That experience prepares you for life on your own and I missed out.  I’m a small town kid who cannot fathom leaving this comfort zone.  There just has to be a better solution.
 

1-25-06 (Day 3)

So this is what the working world is like?  Granted, it is very premature to form an opinion on the matter.  It just seems like I am here and they don’t need me or are not sure how to incorporate me.  I’ve been doing tedious, mindless tasks.  And that’s when I’m not just sitting there reading and answering the phone.  It’s as if they are merely finding tasks to keep me occupied.  I hate when that happens.  They would do that at Sports Authority.  It makes a worker feel pointless and disenchanted because the pointless work is often dull as well.  Everyone here is settled into their routine.  Perhaps it would be too distracting to train me.  This is a small company so they don’t have this situation too often. I want to learn but they probably do not know where to begin.  I should note that my own computer is being readied.  Perhaps that is the difference maker.  Let’s see how this plays out.


3-9-06

About a month and a half into the job and I’m just not happy.  I’d like to leave but what does my future hold?  I could just bite the bullet and ride this out.  But I’ve always done that and I’m tired of it.  It might be different if I were in a better situation – closer proximity to home or making more money.  Truthfully, the money is fine for what I do, so that’s not a huge issue.  I just can’t help but think that there is somewhere closer where I can be doing relatively the same thing. 

So why not move up here?  It isn’t cost-effective.  I visited an apartment complex and it’s still a LOT cheaper to live at home and commute.  Plus I’m not sure I’m ready.  I truly believe not going away to school stunted my growth.  I visited Tom’s friend Cole and I think to myself how nice it would be to have a place of my own.  I know places closer to home would be cheaper and I would feel a little more comfortable. 

My life is in a dreaded “in-between” phase.  I continually find myself returning to past times.  In reality, I’ve never been happy with my whole life, but those past times were much better by comparison.  Or I find myself fast-forwarding to a situation where I’m established in a job I don’t mind and have a wife or serious relationship with someone.

There’s other little things about this job that all add up.  I don’t feel entirely comfortable around Amber.  There is this silent tension; our personalities just don’t mesh well.  Oh it’s nothing that can’t be handled I suppose.  The reps are all really nice and good to me but I don’t interact with them as much.  I know it would look bad leaving this soon.  But then I think it’s better to do so now before they invest too much into teaching me.  Tom (my de facto boss) took a chance on me and I want to justify his faith in me.  I wonder if I would have to finish out 2 weeks or just end it the day I break the news.  That would be an extremely uncomfortable 2 weeks.

It might look better if I had a legitimate reason to leave.  I wouldn’t want to leave just to be done there.  Perhaps I can find another job that makes more sense for me.  Advance would hopefully understand even if they were upset.  Maybe I could go back to school.  I think my parents have always wanted to see me do grad work.  I’ve always insisted against it because I wasn’t sure it was such a great investment.  I feel that work experience gets you promoted easier than a higher degree.  Grad school ain’t cheap either. 

Furthermore, I have a finance degree, but is that what I really want to do?  If so, what would I even do in that field?  Should I continue to pay money and pursue something I don’t even know I’ll use?  That strengthens the argument to stay here.  In all fairness, I haven’t given this job enough time.  I can’t possibly make an accurate judgment on it just yet.  Still, in the back of my mind, I know I’m getting trained to be Amber and that is really a glorified secretary.  I’m Dave Younker; I’m better than that. 

Now maybe that’s what I have to do to start out in this industry.  If that truly is the case, then it should be under better circumstances.  I HATE answering phones just to send them on to someone else.  It makes me feel so worthless and unnecessary not being able to help anyone.  And then when I try, Amber tells me not to.  All these little suggestions on how to do things are kind of frustrating me.  She’s only trying to help, I know, but for whatever reason, it doesn’t come off that way.  I keep thinking to myself that if she were a doctor, her bedside manner would be horrible. 

I’m also on a tight leash, sort of like  a pet.  For example, I have to tell her every time I need to go to the bathroom.  It’s like I’m back in grade school asking for permission.  You have no idea how demeaning that can feel.  I know, I know, she just has to know so she can answer the phone in my absence.  Part of me feels like she should be able to figure out that I’m not at my desk if I don’t answer after a couple rings.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing but I guess I want a little a more freedom.  I like working my way through things on my own.  I’ve always been a little stubborn when it comes to advice.  I’d like a job where I have set tasks to get done by a certain time and they don’t care how I do it as long as it’s done.

This job really does get boring at times.  I’m writing this aren’t I?  Anyway, I’m debating whether to go back to school to become a teacher of all things.  The other possibility is for my MBA.  Teaching is a profession that has always lingered in the back of my mind.  I’d like to run a classroom with my own lesson plan.  I’d prefer to teach social studies or business classes. I’ve never minded the school setting.  Obviously the big drawback of the job is the problem kids you’d have to put up with.  I try to picture myself like all new teachers do as the young, cool guy who can relate to the kids and joke around with them on their level.  I’d be able to coach sports, assuming it were on the junior high or high school level, and that is something I would really enjoy.  Having those summer months off would be really sweet too! 

I’m really trying to project if teaching is something I could be good at.  I could also always keep climbing the ladder towards a PhD.  Then I could teach college where the student-teacher relationship doesn’t mean as much, and you don’t have so many immature kids.  Most of them are there because they want to be.  I remember my teachers at JJC and it just seemed like they had such a great gig.

I wonder how much more schooling I would need to become a teacher.  I need to decide about this quick if I want to start back in the fall.  Part of me laments that I wasted my time getting a finance degree.  I guess it’s something I will always have and can use if needed.  I do wonder deep down if going back to school just an excuse to delay my future.  Am I going to turn into one of those professional students?
 

4-26-06

In another 2 weeks I will be in the exact same situation I was a year ago.  Nothing has changed and basically I’ve wasted a year of my life.  I just gave the 2 week notice for the job I started in January.  Now I’m back to the uncertain status of looking for a job or deciding to go back to school.  I know my parents just want to see me doing SOMETHING.  Being happy with that something is easier said than done however. 

My dad has to be disappointed I’m leaving the job; I’m sure he wants to see me stay.  But it isn’t his decision, it’s all mine.   No more am I going to live my life because it’s what others want.  I just want my parents to be proud of me.  Given my parents’ solid standing in the community, expectations are high. Perhaps I am crumbling under the pressure.  I need to trust my own instincts and navigate these waters myself, right or wrong. 

One such "should I stay or should I go" instance like this that really stands out is my freshman year in high school.  I had signed up for an agriculture class, largely out of pressure from my parents and my schedule advisor (the ag teacher as it happens).  About a week in, I determined that I wanted to drop the class for something else. I was well within my rights; that sort of thing happens all the time with freshmen.  My mom talked me out of it and I stayed in the class because I was the "good son".  I wasn’t really happy and my effort reflected that at times. I ended up getting a ‘C’ one quarter and to this day, that is the only ‘C’ I’ve ever gotten in my entire scholastic career!  When I dig out old records, it sits there, taunting me.

Moving ahead to now, I wanted to leave a couple weeks ago, but my dad talked me out of it once.  Then I remembered that ag class and it gave me some resolve.  I knew I was right back then and I know I’m right now.  I finally worked up the nerve and gave my boss the news.  My usual course of action would have been to ride it out and stay miserable.  I’d be to scared or nervous to do anything about it. Or I’d want to satisfy someone in my life besides myself.  While the future at present is very murky, I hope this is a sign that perhaps I have turned a corner in my life.  Take action and live for me – words I’ll try to start living by.

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