Wisdom from the Fountain of Youth

I came across one of my old high school notebooks the other day.  It was from my British Literature class my senior year of high school. One of our ongoing assignments was a daily journal.  Our teacher, Mr. Preuss, would write something on the board and we had the first couple minutes of each class to respond to it.  The topics ranged from famous quotes to ethical debates to personal interests to the literature we were reading.  It amazes me how profound and wise I was at seventeen.  How come nobody has ever asked me how to solve the bullying problem in schools?

There were several factors that contributed to the writing you'll see below.

• I sat next to my good friend Josh Bult that semester. The mere presence of some of my friends, Josh being one of them, could bring out a different side of me.  The straight-laced, responsible Dave was transformed into a silly, mischievous lemming desperate to validate his place among the group.  Josh has always been a funny, clever guy.  I saw what he was writing for his journals.  I was even a little jealous of it, so I did my best to keep pace.  It's a shame we don't have his notebook for this time travel.
• Being the spring semester of my senior year, my scholastic focus was wavering somewhat.  I felt secure in my academic standing.  Furthermore, I knew that Preuss was a pretty cool teacher.  I felt like I could get away with some especially...creative...writing.  I mean, he was willing to appreciate the liberties we took while destroying portraying stories from The Canterbury Tales the previous semester.  I don't want to suggest that he was a bad teacher though.  He was a good teacher who cared about his students.   
• There was a sneaking suspicion among us students that Preuss wasn't going to read what we wrote, only that we wrote something.  I knew this was a real possibility because I had seen it proven with other teachers before.  In my sophomore Chemistry class, we were often tasked with writing out the definitions of terms from each chapter.   It was your classic definition of "busy work."  Nick Been was convinced that Mr. Sippel [the teacher] didn't read that particular piece of homework and he could literally write anything.  The time to test his theory had come.  After legitimately defining a few terms at the top of the page, Nick revealed to the rest of us that the definition of kinetic energy was not "the energy of an object due to its motion" but rather "Sippel's wife is a fat fuck."  Talk about a pretty ballsy move.  I guess he was pretty sure of himself.  The assignment was turned in and the day of reckoning came.  We all climbed over each other to get a look at the grade and saw a perfect score staring back at us. Flash forward to Preuss' class and I was eager to get some confirmation of our suspicions.

I assure you that the regular-formatted text you see below is taken directly from that notebook - the notebook we turned in for grading.  Apparently, I did care about being a good student at least some of the time.  Some of the entries appear to be serious with real thought behind them.  Naturally, I've omitted those entries.

Nearly thirteen years later, I thought it would be a fun practice to guess the question or quote I think I was responding to.  As you'll see, this was easier said than done in some cases.  It's also entirely possible I was writing about something completely unrelated to the question or quote.  My best guess at this point is represented in the italicized text.

A grade of 37 out of 40 is written in the margin.  I'm not sure if I missed a couple entries or if I was penalized for the actual writing.  Either way, I'm considering it a win.  That's a pretty good score for half effort and I wasn't even punished for anything I wrote.  Who says you can't threaten to ram your first through your teacher's stomach without repercussions?  It must've been my exemplary work on the school newspaper (he was the advisor) and my overall reputation as a good student and kid.

Journal

Jan 16, 2001

Get an A and beat up Josh Bult

What are my goals for this class this semester?

 

Jan 18

One time I had to decide if I should get a Nutty Bar or Zebra Cake. It was an important challenge for me. Both looked so scrumptious. I finally went with the Zebra Cake. To this day, I am still haunted by that decision.

What is the toughest decision I’ve ever faced?

 

Jan 22

I believe the author is trying to say our inner self is the source of what makes us tick. Of course that's total BS. That's why I'm in here.

What are my thoughts on some random quote explaining why we make the choices that we do?

 

Jan 23

I plan to get fat and become a lumberjack. After chopping many trees and getting exceedingly wealthy, I plan to buy the world's slowest race horse. If there's time, maybe world domination?

What are my plans for the future?

 

Jan 26

I disagree with censorship. Everyone has the right to be heard. It's guaranteed in the 1st Amendment. But if I was to become dictator, then I would institute censorship.

Do I agree with censorship?

 

Jan 29

My favorite drama is “The Practice.”  It’s about a law firm, and I like legal matters and such. It’s different from a comedy because it’s not funny.

What is my favorite TV drama and how is it different from a comedy show?

 

Feb 2

Josh is wearing a pretty gay Mr. T t-shirt. He has numerous shirts like that, some more gay than the rest. In conclusion, communism is bad.

What do I think about communism?

 

Feb 9

My favorite movie is Billy Madison. How could you not like a clown who hits the ground and has blood come out of his mouth? Great stuff!

What is my favorite movie?

 

Feb 13

Disagree. These journals are the root of all evil. This incessant, totally unnecessary writing is leading me down the lonely, unsatisfying road of becoming a lighthouse keeper.

Is money the root of all evil?

 

Feb 14

My favorite Valentine's Day memory can be summed up in one line: "Do you like stuff?" No questions please.

What is my favorite Valentine’s Day memory?

 

Feb 19

I can't explain the quote since I think the exact opposite is what I believe. I like people by how good they are to me. Call me crazy but I would venture most would agree.

What are my thoughts on some random quote about treating everyone equally?

 

Mar 6

As an ex-convict, I'm inclined to say yes. Situations dictate actions. Sometimes you can't be held responsible for your actions. We have laws because of some fat cats in Washington.

Can all actions be forgiven?

 

Mar 7

They must avoid killing each other. I can't stress that enough. It has deteriorated into nothing more than vapid idiots mindlessly droning on about stuff.

What are the problems with people in society today?

 

Mar 13

Everyone steals whether they believe it or not. Stealing doesn't have to be materials or money. It can be people's ideas, etc. Liars believe everyone steals because they wouldn't lie otherwise.

Do I know anyone who is a liar or a thief?

 

Mar 14

Coolidge only says that because he wants to. It's difficult but not for Coolidge. It's important to listen to me when I say that this journal is exceedingly long.

What are my thoughts on a Calvin Coolidge quote about listening more?

 

Mar 16

It's about a girl named MacBeth and her adventures in a wonderful magic land. There's probably some dragons and magical sorcerers.

What do I think MacBeth is about?

 

Mar 19

No. Money is more important than discipline. Some of the most respected hobos have incredible discipline but does anyone care?

Is having discipline more important than money?

 

Mar 21

Weiner! Any man who relents to his wife should be shot. Preuss, write the damn journal right!

Should a man ever let his wife be in charge?

 

Mar 22

I don't understand therefore I can't. I'm just gonna guess it has to do with Avon.

Can I explain the power women have over men?

 

Mar 23

They should be viewed as cowardly. They should fight and die.

How should we view people who surrender in battle?

 

Mar 26

MacBeth will kill Duncan and Duncan's ghost will float to heaven but get lost.

How will MacBeth end?

 

Mar 28

Preuss, I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach. Stop whining! You lack discipline!

How did I enjoy reading MacBeth?

 

Mar 30

He will offer them up as sacrifices and eat their still-beating hearts. LED ZEPPELIN- And that's the end of that chapter.

What do I think Grendel (from Beowulf) will do with the people he captures?

 

Apr 3

I really can't divulge that information to the likes of you Preuss.

What is my best kept secret?

 

Apr 4

I think there will be a bombing, starting WWIII. Everyone will be blown away to smithereens and life as we know it will cease to exist.

What will happen in the next 10 years?

 

Apr 18

Hey Newton, lay off the crack. If you're being attacked, a bridge won't do you much good. Bridges also collapse easier.

What are my thoughts on an Isaac Newton quote about building more bridges?

 

Apr 19

No, it's unnecessary. Friends can be easily replaced. Anyone who says otherwise should be lynched in a public square.

Is it important to stay in touch with friends?

 

Apr 23

I see myself in a coffin. Lying there. Nothing but a bunch of bones.

Where do I see myself in sixty years?

 

Apr 24

If you spread around happiness, then obviously more people will be happy.

Can happiness be shared?

 

Apr 25

No it's not. I'm sick of this crap Preuss. I've had it up to there *arrow pointing upward* with your sleazy shenanigans.

Is it fair to change the requirements once a project has been assigned?

 

Apr 26

No more journals and a chick with a nice rack and tight ass.

What would I wish for?

 

Apr 27

If you read this you're an idiot! GLAVEN   kgrspmonrvenligrt

Can I get away with writing absolutely anything?

 

Apr 30

Yes, yes he is. Elevation is the key to all things holy and good.

Is a man who always puts himself above others someone to emulate?

 

May 1

Yes I agree with what Josh said. For further details, please consult his notebook.

What do I think about the investment opportunities in the Pacific Rim?

 

May 2

Look at that vein on Preuss's neck. It could bulge any second now. Preuss has been developing quite the temper lately. God help us all!

What am I thinking about at this very moment?

 

May 3

I say kill a few swiftly and violently. Once other bullies see this, they are sure to cease their bullying ways.

How would I handle the bullying problem in schools?

 

May 4

Tina won "Survivor: Australian Outback." Colby's a fool for not bringing Keith along. I'm the ultimate survivor.

What is happening on a TV show I’m watching?

 

May 7

Obviously Lao. You can't go anywhere without stepping once. Great quote chief. Who wants to go 1000 miles anyway?

What are my thoughts on a Lao Tsu quote about taking a single step and 1000 miles?

 

May 8

Bowling. Me fat, no like to run

What is my favorite activity?

 

May 11

No. Look at me. I will not submit to the popular facets of society that have corrupted today's individuals and rocked its very foundation.

Is being popular the most important thing?

 

May 14

Now that ain't got nothin to do with the amount of no learnin I has gotten. I'm a teached man who knows good, good, good things about the ways of the world. I knows my plusing and minusing tables. No foolin.

Do I think that education is the key to success?

 

May 16

My brain. Let all revel in my glory and intelligence. Many idiots may now live a normal life.

What is my best attribute?

 

May 17

Why can't these journals end? Well, I'll just have to kill myself.

What are my thoughts on these journals?

 

May 18

A little thing called Prom...duh! Is this the last of the beloved journals? Beloved? Shutup brain. NO MORE JOURNALS

What are my plans this weekend?