Life Lessons - First Grade

“Heads Up Seven Up” is a harmless enough children’s game on the surface, but it would ingrain an indelible scar in my brain from which I have never recovered.  For those unaware, the game is rather simple.  A handful of students are selected and the rest of the class buries their heads, closes their eyes, and sticks up their thumb.  Each of the selected students then picks one person, presses down their thumb, and returns to the front of the room.  The lucky few whose thumbs no longer remain vertical must guess which of their classmates has chosen them.  Looking back, I’m sure teachers must use this game to help them identify the cheaters in their class (re: who’s really good at guessing).  As you now know, I’m not a cheater.  During the course of one of these games, I had worked myself into an uncomfortable position with my head and arms.  As anyone who has ever experienced sweaty balls stuck to inner thighs on a hot, humid day can tell you, sometimes you just have to readjust.  It happens.  Keeping my eyes closed, I raised my head slightly for a small shift (of my head).  Laura Soucie, one of the thumb pressers, apparently saw things differently.  She complained to the teacher that I was opening my eyes to look.  What? I did no such thing!  I was reprimanded by the teacher, and I’m convinced she had it in for me the rest of the year.  My only basis to support this claim is the lone other memory I have from first grade.  It involves the teacher yelling at me for getting out of my desk to pick up a pencil I had dropped that rolled a few feet away.  But I digress.  The lesson here is that girls are not to be trusted.  Ever.  Why am I so screwed up when it comes to females and relationships?  You can thank Laura Soucie for that.

Life Lessons - Kindergarten

I was working on an assignment and I felt pretty good about all of the answers except one.  Ryan Van Ham was sitting next to me so I figured I’d see what he answered for that question.  Ultimately, I ended up going with his answer.  In hindsight, Van Ham was perhaps a less than ideal candidate to borrow answers from, but who you should copy off of isn’t exactly defined at this point in one’s scholastic career.  We get the papers back and wouldn’t you know it, I only missed one question.   Guess which one?  Making it sting a little more, the answer I WANTED to go with was the correct one.  I learned a few things from this experience.  Cheating is inherently wrong and this was the universe’s way of punishing me.  OK, maybe I didn’t possess the profound view of the universe that I have today, but this helped cement some good morals in me.  I’d play the academic game straight up and do the best that I could with my own abilities.  The second piece of this lesson is that I should trust my gut instinct.  My mom always liked to remind me that the first answer you think about guessing is most likely the correct one.  Actually, Mom, logic would dictate the correct answer is most likely the correct one, but I think the takeaway is that you shouldn’t try to out-think yourself.  Finally, I began to form an opinion of myself that I was smarter than most people.  I’m not saying I’m smarter than you but…well, I can’t think of a truthful way to finish that sentence.  Armed with that opinion, copying off others going forward became a less desirable option anyway because my answer must be just as good as theirs, if not better.

Happiness Is A Dish Best Served Dull

Despite my best efforts to try and make everyone believe otherwise, my life is pretty damn good.  I wanted to take a break from the self-deprecating propaganda I’m prone to dole out and acknowledge that.  I’ve been dealt a good hand in the game of life.  Any shortcomings in this life are entirely due to my lack of effort.  I’ve gotten exactly what I deserve and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I’ve been blessed with the brains to recognize a good holding when it’s there, and I’ve done everything in my power not to screw it up.  For the most part, this approach has served me well.  I don’t have any real problems and that’s comforting.  Sometimes I feel like we’re supposed to have drama.  Life isn’t supposed to be this easy, is it?  So I’ll compare myself to others and search for something they have that I don’t.  The inevitable landing point is a significant other in their life, and I’ll exaggerate things to the point where your pity for me turns into annoyance. 

I’ve heard and witnessed firsthand plenty of “excitement” from friends and acquaintances to fill the void in my life.  I don’t relish in their misfortunes.  I assume I’m hearing those things for a reason and the best explanation I’ve come up with thus far is that they are reminders of how fortunate I really have been.  These misfortunes run the gamut from fearful (being so buried in debt that you have to live from paycheck to paycheck) to insane (rushing to your girlfriend’s house because she’s threatened suicide multiple times unless you abandon the plans you had with your friends) to truly ugly (leaving your new wife who is carrying your unborn child while her parents deliriously plead with you to stay and her young son from a previous marriage looks on).  I’ve never been in ANY of those kinds of positions.  Some of these situations I’ve been present for, but I obviously wasn’t the center of attention.  In a selfish moment, I might have even lamented about being forced to “deal” with the issue.  I’ve never put any others in these kinds of situations, so this seems unfair.  But my role in dealing with it is nothing more than disrupting my plans (which are likely none if you know me) and offering inept words of advice (which is hardly too much to ask).  At the end of the day, I can move on and not have that black cloud looming over me.  Those people weren’t so lucky.

Yes, I’m fairly skilled at keeping the car on the road and avoiding the big potholes.  Some will say that’s not life, it’s suicide by tiny increments.  Maybe there’s something to be said for that. I’ve often wondered what I’m missing out on.  That wonder sometimes leads to tears as I drift ahead fifty years to a life that was lived unfulfilled and alone.  Then I need to remind myself that I do indeed participate in myriad fun activities and I do have people around me.  So what if I’m not living life the same way as many of my counterparts?  I have no idea what their life journey is all about and the path I’m on may be solely reserved for me (sure feels that way sometimes).  When it comes to life, I do think you need to look at it in a vacuum.  Are you happy with the path you’re on?  If not, then change it.  I think for the most part I am.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to get all philosophical.  It was intended to be an expression of thanks to the powers that be and those around me who have given me so very much to be thankful for.  My parents – they’ve always been there for me.  They’ve allowed me to live at home and continue saving towards that house I’ve promised to buy (I swear, it’ll happen).  Money has never been an issue and their extended hospitality has largely made that possible.  Smart, responsible decisions with the money I’ve accumulated are also a major reason behind my financial stability, but even that I have my dad to thank for.  My friends – you’ve always reached out to me way more than I’ve ever come to you.  Even when I’ve casually dismissed your requests to hang out, you come back for more.  I’m painfully aware that a relationship with me (warning in advance to anyone seeking a larger role in my life) is akin to pulling teeth.  I’d be even more of a recluse without your companionship.  I’ve made it a goal of mine recently to show up, even if just for a cameo, when I’m invited to something.  If you think enough of me to extend an invite, then I need to validate that decision.  This goes for close friends or even just acquaintances.  Most of you would fall into the latter bucket as I’m pretty selective with the term “friend”, but more on that later. 

Even those with a minor role in my life have played a larger part than they could ever imagine.  When I post things like this, my imagination runs wild with what may blossom from this seed I’ve planted.  Feedback of any kind, the proof that you’ve spared a few moments of your time to read my thoughts brings a smile to my face.  If we’re not really close friends and you attend an event I organize (not all that common as you’ve just learned), your appearance goes a long way.  I don’t know why it means so much to me; it just does.  I’m not intelligent enough to properly put it into words.  I’m prone to becoming depressed when a blog like this goes largely unnoticed or a shindig I throw is sparsely attended.  Yet again, I must pull myself back from the ledge.  People aren’t trained to live their lives around me.  Furthermore, this depression is a disservice to the people who may read this and the people who do and have come to my events. 

So, I’d like to offer a whole-hearted thank you to everyone for whatever role you’ve played in my life.  Even if I don’t fully understand or appreciate it at this point, I believe I will some day.  I can’t promise there won’t be more of the “woe is me” diatribe in the future, but for now, I’m in a good place.  It may be dull at times, but life’s good.  Very good.