I haven’t summoned the
courage yet to write the last installment of my crush mini-series. Maybe I want a break from alienating the
girls of my past. It’s coming, but in
the meantime…
Sometimes I don’t know what scares me more about myself:
that I think I’m going to be alone the rest of my life or that I’m OK with
it. I keep digging into my soul in
search of something more and there’s just…nothing. I have no desire to wake whatever latent
feelings of love may be sleeping. I’m
not lamenting my place in this world. We
all have a different calling in life and I truly believe that a single life is
mine. Deep down in my heart, it just
feels right. That peace of mind is very
settling to me. I can’t expect you to
understand or even agree with it, so I won’t waste many more words on the
matter. Trust me, my mother and sister
have taken your side and have probably made your arguments. Sure, I have my fears that I’ll look back in
fifty years and consider it a life wasted.
I suppose we all have those reservations though, and sometimes it takes
another person to reaffirm the quality of life we did and do in fact have. A life alone doesn’t have to mean a life
wasted. There’s a lot of positive ways I
can impact this world and some of them I could not do with a family. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I’m lucky
enough to reach it.
Surprisingly, the main purpose of this blog is not to replay
the broken record you’ve come accustomed to hearing with me. I’d like to take a moment and think of
someone else. My brother Dan is a genuinely
good man. Fortunately for him, he’s got
a lot more of my dad in him than I do. I’m
a decent guy but I’m unable to consistently carry the optimistic outlook they
have on life or the faith they have in other people. I’m ashamed to admit I’m sometimes even
jealous of these qualities they possess.
I’m not a very religious man (more on that later perhaps)
but I do say the occasional prayer in a moment of silence. I’d like to float another one up to whoever
will receive it. I know Dan would like
to find a nice, caring woman that will complete him. He may not openly admit it, but I know those
feelings DO exist inside him. Unfortunately
for him, he was saddled with an older brother who set a poor example on how to
find and cultivate a loving relationship.
I won’t take all the blame because we are all ultimately responsible for
our own actions, but the role of a good older brother is to pave the way. Even though that older brother can never be
perfect, he provides some sort of blueprint to follow. At the very least, one may learn what not to
do. I’ve given Dan nothing to work with
and it’s one of my deepest regrets in life this far. He deserves better than that. What he deserves is someone who is going to
make him happy. Give my brother the
inspiration to find this person and the wisdom to recognize her when she comes
into his life.
Maybe the best I can do for him in my limited capacities is
say this prayer and set the chain of events in motion. Maybe the powers that be will work through
someone who reads this. I’d like to
request that he NOT be solicited with a flurry of requests to “meet someone”. Like me, I’m sure Dan would not respond
favorably to any matchmaking attempts. It’s
something he will want to do on his own but maybe a little divine intervention
couldn’t hurt.
Even as I write this, the cynical side of my brain is
suggesting that I’m only doing this to take the pressure and focus off of
me. Someone needs to get going on
extending the family bloodline and it sure as heck isn’t going to be me. Most of my parent’s friends are grandparents
by now. Surely they want to join the
club. Although they’d never admit it, they
must be wondering what they’ve done to be deprived of those joys. I’m not asking for a solution tomorrow but
none of us are getting any younger. So,
if you’re listening, maybe you can throw a bone my brother’s way. Thanks.
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