Speak, Friend, and Enter

I’ve been giving this topic a lot of thought lately.  I remembered that I tackled this issue 5 years ago, so I figured I’d revisit what I wrote.  Some of it still applied so I’ve merged that prior piece with some new material.

They say you only keep one or two friends from high school.  I always dismissed that notion as false.  It was something I never gave much thought to because I wasn’t going away anywhere.  I didn’t see the problem; I’d still be around to hang out.  I forgot to factor one small variable into my logic: other people were, in fact, going places. 

So that sweeping truth of life has claimed yet another victim. I never had many friends to begin with, so this admission may not come as any real shocker.  It wasn’t that I was unfriendly or avoided social contact.  I don’t use the term “friend” casually, so I only had a select group that fit the definition.  The rest of the people from high school were mostly “school friends” as I call them. People you gladly associated with but only because greater external factors brought you together. 

Regrettably, as I look back, I would have gladly spawned a true friendship with some of these people outside of school, but it never materialized.  [Queue broken record.]  I’ve never been good putting events in motion.  It has been, and may always be, my outlook to let others initiate the process.  This applies to many areas of my life as friends and family can attest to, but we’re talking about friendships here so I won’t get off tangent.

I wonder why it’s so difficult to maintain these friendships once our forced education is over. Sure everyone goes their separate ways, but is it that hard to stay in contact via the phone or internet? And certainly we can make trips to visit each other once in awhile. Often these pledges are made but that’s because neither party really wants to admit it’s the end of the road.  Visits may start out as once in awhile but the gaps between points of contact grow longer and longer. And the longer it’s been, the less guilty we feel about not catching up. Trust me; I’m as guilty as anyone.

Maybe we allow these people we knew during our formative years to slip away because our tastes and expectations change as we mature. If you were selling that, I’ll buy it I suppose but not because I believe it applies to me. I don’t consider myself all that changed from 11 years ago.  In many ways, I’m exactly the same guy.  That’s either a strong testament to my staying power or a damning conviction on my inability to grow up. My case is an outlier so let’s assume you’re a normal person and have changed. Perhaps it’s that new “you” that you don’t want to jeopardize by associating with people you knew from another life.

As for me, I still love ‘High School’ Dave.  I’ve fought to keep him alive as long as possible.  In fact, I’ve even kicked around the idea of a doing side project dealing with The Simpsons.  It’s a pretty good indicator of where my priorities still lie.  My high school posse all attended Springfield Elementary, and yet I can’t imagine any of them sitting at home on a weekend these days doing what it takes to see the project through.

I’m still always reminded of the story my friend Tom (yes, he’s a legitimate one) tells of my “school friend” Clayton.  After graduation, Clayton’s father encouraged him to move on to the next chapter of his life, to the point of suggesting that he “ditch those kiddy friends and start getting some real friends”.  Ah yes, the adult Clayton was going to be a sophisticated individual; Tim Thompson would see to that.  At Clayton’s wedding, which I did not attend (see: “school friend” definition), his father promptly greeted the aforementioned kiddy friends with a hearty, “Wow, I’m surprised you’re not in jail yet.”, or something equally demeaning.

I’ve talked to several “popular” people from high school who seemingly sympathized with my plight.  A consistent response they offered was, “I’ve talked to maybe 3 people from our class in the past year." Back when I was a pettier individual, I’d take some solace from the fact that I wasn’t alone.  Misery loves company.  Now I realize that these people weren’t all that broken up over it.  They had realized long ago what the future held and made their peace with it.

I guess the reason this was always a larger issue for me is that I haven’t replaced those “school friends” with enough new people.  Usually you build new friendships through college but I was always a commuter with no reason to stay and interact with others.  Swing and a miss.  The best I can hope for is a solid stable of “work friends”, which is the logical progression from “school friends”.  I’ve acquired some new people in my life through work.  I appreciate them for what they do for me and the role they fill but they cannot completely fill the gap.  I certainly don’t expect them to; they have their own lives outside of work that need to be lived.  If we stopped working together, would we still talk?  If the past is any indication, I know better.

Although I failed to buck the post-high school trend, I did always have my 2 best friends, Tom and Matt.  Since there can only be one “best” by definition (I believe in using terms as they are intended), I will say Tom has been my best friend since high school.  It was Matt growing up.  Both are equally as important.  In the absence of quantity, I had tremendous quality.  As we grow older, I think that’s the case for most people.  There’s a precious few we hold on to that really enrich our lives; everyone else is just icing on the cake.

Matt is now married and lives in Texas.  We still play in fantasy sports leagues together and might text each other a couple times a year. Tom and I did manage to fly down there in 2011, which was a nice treat.  Tom moved to Bloomington several years ago.  He became a successful salesman and met the girl he’s probably going to end up marrying.  At least Bloomington is a much closer drive.  It’s one we both gladly make a couple times a year and there’s still the occasional phone call. Understandably though, we just can’t hang out like we used to.  

I don’t want to give up on the idea of a best friend, so Tom would still have that title if you asked me.  We’ll always be “brothers” no matter how much distance is between us.  He’s been a damn good best friend, better than I ever deserved.  Still, I have to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I don’t have a go-to guy (or girl, I’m equal opportunity) in my life anymore.  Someone I feel comfortable enough to call up and hang out with whenever I feel like it. 

If a best friend is measured by the person you hang out with the most, it would probably be Paul.  The funny thing with Paul is that he is arguably my brother’s best friend.  So it’s come to this.  I have to ride my younger brother’s coattails and roll on in life as a 3^rd wheel.  The truth is that I could probably count on one hand the people I would consider good friends.  Not best friend material, just good friends.  I accept much of the blame for this.  It’s a 2-way street and I’ve never made anyone else as important as myself.

I mentioned earlier that our “school friends” are undoubtedly replaced by “work friends”, keeping that piece of the friendship pie still accounted for.  The other evolution in friendship for most people is with their best friend.  Most people get married to the love of their life.  If I’m to understand the sacred concept of marriage correctly, many also refer to their spouse as their best friend.  It makes sense.  They are the person outside of work that you see the most often.  They are the person you want to spend time with more than anyone. 

You don’t completely discard your former bros or “besties” when you get married, but it certainly changes the dynamic of the relationship. Most people my age are married.  Maybe they even have children of their own.  It’s the natural progression of life. I do recognize and even accept this change.  There’s nothing wrong with that; family should always come first.  If you’re not married, you might still have a significant other in your life.  They invariably consume much of your time.  Remember when we were younger and griped when a good friend became invisible if a new girlfriend/boyfriend came into their life?  Now we just ask them what took them so long to get to that place.

I’ve decided marriage isn’t in my future and I’m not reconsidering that decision.  I didn’t say marriage can’t happen.  I’m saying I won’t allow it to happen. Still, I’m left with a gap in my life.  In the absence of marriage, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a new best friend when you’re almost 30?  Maybe none of this matters though.  Maybe Tom and I can still call ourselves best friends.  What defines a best friend?  Do both parties have to agree on the designation for it to count?  I like to close my blogs with a pearl of wisdom or confirm some sort of lesson learned.  I don’t have an answer this time.  Where do I go from here?

Crushes Epilogue

This was supposed to be my final piece in this mini-series.  After careful consideration, I have decided to withhold that entry from public consumption.  It’s still pretty recent and I’m going to let the dust settle a little more.  I’ve moved on but when you’re dealing with co-workers, discretion truly is the better part of valor.  That being said, I put a lot of effort into completing the passage and I still feel like sharing it.  What I am going to do is make the blog available in its entirety to select people.  If you would be interested in reading it, please reach out to me via email (dddchunk@hotmail.com) or through a private message on Facebook.  I will judiciously decide if you are one of the, er, lucky ones.  Please don’t feel offended if I deny your request as there may be a reason for it.  Additionally, I would ask that you respect my wishes by not sharing it with anyone.  If you feel like someone else you know would enjoy it, I encourage you to send them in my direction for the opportunity to read it.

 

What I can do is share with you excerpts from the full blog that are not directly related to the crush.  Admittedly, this will be a hodge-podge of blather but it’s the best I can do at this time.  I promise it flows together much better in the context of the crush.  Let’s just number the points and call them some general opinions and feelings.

 

I. Being Passive

See, the thing you need to know about me is that I’ll always leave you wanting more. I can’t deliver on the expectations you conjure up. You’re not into me; you’re into the idea of what I could be. From an outsider’s point of view, I should have all the tools to make it happen. I don’t know what to tell you. The individual pieces, all perfectly functional on their own, just don’t fit together nicely. It never fails - you’ll grow tired of playing the waiting game and move on. I don’t blame you. Please, please don’t mistake passive for indifferent. I’d shout it at the top of my lungs to the entire female population if they would listen. I know someone eventually has to make the move, but I didn’t want it to be me. I always thought the girl for me would be the one who fought through my maze of subtleties and criteria and emerged with a proclamation of feelings that froze me right in my place. The number of capable and, more importantly, willing people who could complete such an arduous undertaking has to be less than the number of people named David Younker in the United States. (I was curious once. There are 28 according to the census website whose data I am choosing to trust.) Call it my own way of pre-screening individuals to ensure a maximum chance of relationship success.

 

II. Co-Worker Dating

I was pretty sure this crush wasn’t into me but I wasn’t entirely certain.  So why didn’t I take more appropriate actions to get the definitive answer I so desperately sought? The primary driving force behind my hesitation had to be that she was a co-worker. So what, you say? Well, I’ve got a lot of crazy rules and criteria when it comes to dating. Sometimes I think I’ll make up any excuse not to go after someone. Just add another brick to the fortress I’ve walled myself inside. Actually, I think my stance on this one is particularly defensible. If you have interest in a co-worker, I would urge you to proceed with extreme caution. I’m not saying it can’t work because I’ve seen successful inter-office relationships. I just think you’re playing with fire and I won’t say I told you so when you get burned. There’s the obvious awkwardness that ensues if your initial courting attempt is met with resistance, but there’s also the risk of a post-breakup meltdown. Do you like your job? If that other person is a bit unhinged or just plain vindictive, I sincerely hope you’re in good with your HR department. All things considered, I believe it is good policy not to mix business and pleasure. Even if you’re heads over heels in love, everyone needs a break from their significant other for part of the day to avoid getting burned out. As strange as it sounds, I would enjoy the freedom work provides. I’d like to come home and escape from the problems of my work day by hearing a completely different set of problems. We’d console each other with a fresh outsider perspective. Am I alone on this?

 

III. Flirting With “Taken” People

One of my most redeeming qualities is that I respect boundaries. I am the LAST guy you ever have to worry about stealing your girl. As the great Roy Munson put it, “You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.” It’s a simple credo that I adhere to. Guys, if your girl is flirting with me, rest assured that I did not initiate it. Rather than getting in my face, I suggest you take a moment to rethink where things are between the two of you. I mean, if she’s showing an interest in me…well, you’ve read enough of my blogs to know where I’m going with that.

 

 

IV. Event Invite Responses

Accepting as “tentative” really gives you the best of both a “Yes” and “No”. If something comes up or you just change your mind, no one really expected you to be there in the first place. Jack Johnson had it right – maybe does pretty much always mean no. However, when you do ultimately show up, it’s an unexpected surprise. It’s almost as if you’re greeted more warmly than someone who accepted outright. The only drawback is the potential loss of credibility I’ve created for myself due to overuse of the response.

 

V. Finding “The One”

I think that true love and ultimately marriage is not so much a product of who as it is when. It’s when you’re ready to wholly commit to true love and take that next step. Who you’re with at the time, if they’re even remotely right for you, grows into “the one”. There’s no timetable but everyone reaches that point in their lives if their path is leading them in that direction. Not everyone is on that path though. You shouldn’t feel ashamed if your head and heart tells you what you’re doing is right. Follow them.

 

VI. Going Forward

I know I tend to ramble on, so if you’re still reading, that’s quite an accomplishment (and thank you). It’s a lot like that crappy movie you shelled out 8 bucks for. You’ve made it this far and invested your time and money. You owe it to yourself to see firsthand what comically bad ending is in store. Trust me, your opinion will mean more when you recount the experience years later with friends. Or, if you're lucky, you can just point your friends to a clip from a TV show that's done the work for you.

 

 

So now you’re finally here and wondering what cockamamie theory or story I have for you. This better be good, Younker. The truth is that I had a different ending in my original draft. After sleeping on it for a couple nights, I decided to scrap most of it. I couldn't throw my full support behind the words anymore. Maybe I'm still drinking the New Year's Kool-Aid but it sounded too much like the old me I vowed to break away from. In this far less impressive ending, I can at least inform you that I won’t be writing about my lady ineptitude anymore. [Audience exhales a huge sigh of relief and applauds.] I think there’s enough documentation on that topic. I’ll be able to write about things you may actually care about. Now, I won’t hesitate to discuss general relationship dilemmas if asked (re: he's running out of ideas so shoot questions his way). I have plenty of untested theories if you’re willing to entertain a little out of the box thinking. I’m always here for you.

 

 

Epilogue

This concludes the mini-series on crushes. I hope you’ve enjoyed the view into my past through my eyes. It wasn’t easy to do this but it’s been a very cathartic process. I felt many different emotions and a better author could have conveyed them all.

 

There have been other crushes throughout my life but these I have written about are the most significant. Linebacker wasn’t really that significant actually.(I had intended to write about all of my crushes at that point, and her story was a short one that I was using as filler.)I guess you could call the other 4 – Linear Regression, Sandiego, Kung Pow, and Phoenix –my Mount Rushmore of crushes. They represent different stages of my progression through life (grade school, high school, college, and employment, respectively). I didn’t plan for it to work out that way, but I’m pleased with the balance because the memory of each crush doesn’t threaten to cannibalize any of the others.

 

The irony in all of this is that the few girls I’ve gone on dates with during and since high school have not been ones I’ve had a crush on nor did they develop into a crush once we went on a date. I guess that’s appropriate. To me, the concept of a crush is that idealistic person just beyond your grasp. The final destination with them may not ultimately produce a pot of gold, but it’s the path you travel that leads to the best stories and memories. You must take the good with the bad. They say you learn more from your failures than your successes anyhow. Mission accomplished.