Speak, Friend, and Enter

I’ve been giving this topic a lot of thought lately.  I remembered that I tackled this issue 5 years ago, so I figured I’d revisit what I wrote.  Some of it still applied so I’ve merged that prior piece with some new material.

They say you only keep one or two friends from high school.  I always dismissed that notion as false.  It was something I never gave much thought to because I wasn’t going away anywhere.  I didn’t see the problem; I’d still be around to hang out.  I forgot to factor one small variable into my logic: other people were, in fact, going places. 

So that sweeping truth of life has claimed yet another victim. I never had many friends to begin with, so this admission may not come as any real shocker.  It wasn’t that I was unfriendly or avoided social contact.  I don’t use the term “friend” casually, so I only had a select group that fit the definition.  The rest of the people from high school were mostly “school friends” as I call them. People you gladly associated with but only because greater external factors brought you together. 

Regrettably, as I look back, I would have gladly spawned a true friendship with some of these people outside of school, but it never materialized.  [Queue broken record.]  I’ve never been good putting events in motion.  It has been, and may always be, my outlook to let others initiate the process.  This applies to many areas of my life as friends and family can attest to, but we’re talking about friendships here so I won’t get off tangent.

I wonder why it’s so difficult to maintain these friendships once our forced education is over. Sure everyone goes their separate ways, but is it that hard to stay in contact via the phone or internet? And certainly we can make trips to visit each other once in awhile. Often these pledges are made but that’s because neither party really wants to admit it’s the end of the road.  Visits may start out as once in awhile but the gaps between points of contact grow longer and longer. And the longer it’s been, the less guilty we feel about not catching up. Trust me; I’m as guilty as anyone.

Maybe we allow these people we knew during our formative years to slip away because our tastes and expectations change as we mature. If you were selling that, I’ll buy it I suppose but not because I believe it applies to me. I don’t consider myself all that changed from 11 years ago.  In many ways, I’m exactly the same guy.  That’s either a strong testament to my staying power or a damning conviction on my inability to grow up. My case is an outlier so let’s assume you’re a normal person and have changed. Perhaps it’s that new “you” that you don’t want to jeopardize by associating with people you knew from another life.

As for me, I still love ‘High School’ Dave.  I’ve fought to keep him alive as long as possible.  In fact, I’ve even kicked around the idea of a doing side project dealing with The Simpsons.  It’s a pretty good indicator of where my priorities still lie.  My high school posse all attended Springfield Elementary, and yet I can’t imagine any of them sitting at home on a weekend these days doing what it takes to see the project through.

I’m still always reminded of the story my friend Tom (yes, he’s a legitimate one) tells of my “school friend” Clayton.  After graduation, Clayton’s father encouraged him to move on to the next chapter of his life, to the point of suggesting that he “ditch those kiddy friends and start getting some real friends”.  Ah yes, the adult Clayton was going to be a sophisticated individual; Tim Thompson would see to that.  At Clayton’s wedding, which I did not attend (see: “school friend” definition), his father promptly greeted the aforementioned kiddy friends with a hearty, “Wow, I’m surprised you’re not in jail yet.”, or something equally demeaning.

I’ve talked to several “popular” people from high school who seemingly sympathized with my plight.  A consistent response they offered was, “I’ve talked to maybe 3 people from our class in the past year." Back when I was a pettier individual, I’d take some solace from the fact that I wasn’t alone.  Misery loves company.  Now I realize that these people weren’t all that broken up over it.  They had realized long ago what the future held and made their peace with it.

I guess the reason this was always a larger issue for me is that I haven’t replaced those “school friends” with enough new people.  Usually you build new friendships through college but I was always a commuter with no reason to stay and interact with others.  Swing and a miss.  The best I can hope for is a solid stable of “work friends”, which is the logical progression from “school friends”.  I’ve acquired some new people in my life through work.  I appreciate them for what they do for me and the role they fill but they cannot completely fill the gap.  I certainly don’t expect them to; they have their own lives outside of work that need to be lived.  If we stopped working together, would we still talk?  If the past is any indication, I know better.

Although I failed to buck the post-high school trend, I did always have my 2 best friends, Tom and Matt.  Since there can only be one “best” by definition (I believe in using terms as they are intended), I will say Tom has been my best friend since high school.  It was Matt growing up.  Both are equally as important.  In the absence of quantity, I had tremendous quality.  As we grow older, I think that’s the case for most people.  There’s a precious few we hold on to that really enrich our lives; everyone else is just icing on the cake.

Matt is now married and lives in Texas.  We still play in fantasy sports leagues together and might text each other a couple times a year. Tom and I did manage to fly down there in 2011, which was a nice treat.  Tom moved to Bloomington several years ago.  He became a successful salesman and met the girl he’s probably going to end up marrying.  At least Bloomington is a much closer drive.  It’s one we both gladly make a couple times a year and there’s still the occasional phone call. Understandably though, we just can’t hang out like we used to.  

I don’t want to give up on the idea of a best friend, so Tom would still have that title if you asked me.  We’ll always be “brothers” no matter how much distance is between us.  He’s been a damn good best friend, better than I ever deserved.  Still, I have to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I don’t have a go-to guy (or girl, I’m equal opportunity) in my life anymore.  Someone I feel comfortable enough to call up and hang out with whenever I feel like it. 

If a best friend is measured by the person you hang out with the most, it would probably be Paul.  The funny thing with Paul is that he is arguably my brother’s best friend.  So it’s come to this.  I have to ride my younger brother’s coattails and roll on in life as a 3^rd wheel.  The truth is that I could probably count on one hand the people I would consider good friends.  Not best friend material, just good friends.  I accept much of the blame for this.  It’s a 2-way street and I’ve never made anyone else as important as myself.

I mentioned earlier that our “school friends” are undoubtedly replaced by “work friends”, keeping that piece of the friendship pie still accounted for.  The other evolution in friendship for most people is with their best friend.  Most people get married to the love of their life.  If I’m to understand the sacred concept of marriage correctly, many also refer to their spouse as their best friend.  It makes sense.  They are the person outside of work that you see the most often.  They are the person you want to spend time with more than anyone. 

You don’t completely discard your former bros or “besties” when you get married, but it certainly changes the dynamic of the relationship. Most people my age are married.  Maybe they even have children of their own.  It’s the natural progression of life. I do recognize and even accept this change.  There’s nothing wrong with that; family should always come first.  If you’re not married, you might still have a significant other in your life.  They invariably consume much of your time.  Remember when we were younger and griped when a good friend became invisible if a new girlfriend/boyfriend came into their life?  Now we just ask them what took them so long to get to that place.

I’ve decided marriage isn’t in my future and I’m not reconsidering that decision.  I didn’t say marriage can’t happen.  I’m saying I won’t allow it to happen. Still, I’m left with a gap in my life.  In the absence of marriage, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a new best friend when you’re almost 30?  Maybe none of this matters though.  Maybe Tom and I can still call ourselves best friends.  What defines a best friend?  Do both parties have to agree on the designation for it to count?  I like to close my blogs with a pearl of wisdom or confirm some sort of lesson learned.  I don’t have an answer this time.  Where do I go from here?