The 30-35-40 Plan, Part 1

“Star of the party.”  It’s a term that a former soccer coach used to describe the role of a certain player during corner kicks.  There are several roles that need to be filled during the setup of a corner kick and he gave these roles names in order to teach us how to stay in the proper positions.  It’s a concept I’ve carried forward to the teams I coach today.  You could be a “runner” or “the garbage man”.  “Star of the party” always sounded the coolest and I took a natural liking to this role. 

As the SOTP, it was your job to NOT get involved in the play and sit at the top of the box and wait.  Many youth soccer players go to where the ball is and not where it is most likely to be, so the role is counter-intuitive.  However, I realized at a young age that the ball often squirts out of the goal area in these situations to the top of the penalty box where a patiently waiting player with a decent leg can fire it back on goal.  Much like at parties or on the dance floor, I do best my work observing from the fringes while most of the action happens amidst the congestion.  I also had a pretty strong leg that I didn’t mind showing off, so I was ecstatic whenever I got tabbed to fill the SOTP role.  So why call it “star of the party”?  Because the star of the party is always late of course; they never arrive on time.  And neither do I.

Yes, when it comes to the party of life, I am one hell of a star.  In fact, people are still waiting for me to arrive.  Other than shoveling food into my mouth and occasionally (especially if you believe my cousins from the South) rattling off sentences in a conversation, there are not too many activities I do quickly.  Similarly, I do not adapt to the changes around me very quickly either.  Technology is a prime example.  It’s always been this way. 

Growing up, we were always one video game system behind everyone.  The day we had a Nintendo to call our own was one of the most joyous days of my childhood.  It didn’t matter that Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo were now all the rage.  When we finally graduated from NES two-button fun to Sega three-button pleasure, there were systems like Sega Saturn and something called Nintendo 64.  “Goldeneye” and its multi-player setup remains one of the greatest games of all-time in my opinion.  We eventually got to experience that ecstasy and I didn’t see the need to upgrade to something like PlayStation or Xbox.  N64 is where the gaming adventures of me and my brother ended.  It’s still hooked up somewhere in our house. 

Heck, I have the old NES hooked up in my room.  She’s a little dusty but she still works…usually.  Back in the day, sometimes you’d have to earn the right to play.  You might have to blow in the cartridge or game console a few times.  You might have to bang it a little or employ another method of choice to overcome the blue screen of death. (I often succeeded using some form of ramming.)  There was always a hint of uncertainty when turning on the system followed by a surge of delight when the game screen appeared.  Kids these days just don’t have that level of appreciation.  Speaking of NES, I’d love to host a “Little League Baseball” tournament some day.  Just sayin’.

It’s not just video games however.  The primary desktop computer in our house is probably at least 15 years old; I remember we got it back when I was in high school.  Bold statement: NO ONE reading this actively uses a computer older than this thing, or even knows someone who does.  My brother chuckles when he recalls a friend coming over to help him with something 6 years ago and the friend referred to it as “ancient” back then.  The monitor and tower are enormous.  The floppy diskette slot seems like a curiously placed opening to discard something like a used gum wrapper, as my younger cousin commented.  The converted USB hub dangling out of the back – necessary to interact with any file storage device created this century – seems comical too.  The machine is in obvious pain every time it is tasked with performing some function as evidenced by the consistent churning noises it emits.  If machines could speak, there is no doubt this one would be begging for the “Office Space” treatment in the pasture out back.  It’s just soooo slow; I don’t know how anyone can put up with it. 

My sister and I got our own laptops a few years ago.  My brother and dad use it sparingly but can handle most of their computing needs on their phones.  But my mom?  She keeps plugging along, apparently oblivious to the world out there.  It’s like if you never watched any television in HD.  If you didn’t know any better, your SD quality was plenty good enough.  Hey, it beats black & white, right?  I don’t know about you all, but I didn’t notice a huge difference when we first made the conversion.  Of course I could never go back now.  The contrast is so glaringly apparent when your eyes are punished with inferior SD picture quality.

I shouldn’t be too hard on my mom though.  As I alluded to earlier, I don’t really have a leg to stand on when it comes to being a modern, civilized man.  Every self-respecting first-world inhabitant has a “smart” phone these days, right?  Not yours truly.  There is still a part of me that actually believes I can survive without any sort of mobile device.  I don’t use it all that often and being completely “off the grid” would coincide with the hermitic tendencies I’m prone to exhibit with friends or every potential female partner out there.  You want me?  Come get me.  However, I must concede that mobile devices make things a lot easier in cases of emergency or when a quick response is needed. 

I’ve really come around on the idea of texting.  As recently as 2009, I made a vow to never send any text messages and refuse to read the ones that were sent to me.  I proposed that anyone who needed to a get a hold of me should use the phone in the way it was always intended.  I felt passionately about this; you can even see my plea in the Notes archive of my Facebook profile.  The real irony in all of this is that I absolutely hate talking on the phone.  Hate may not even be strong enough.  Loathe.  Detest.  Abhor.  I hate calling up people because I always assume I’m burdening them at a bad time.  I don’t know how to properly fill the awkward silent pauses that inevitably arise.  I don’t know when to hang up because I can’t recognize the cues that suggest the conversation is over.  Worst of all, I don’t have the benefit of body language to help interpret the words I hear and qualify the words I say.

So I’ve finally come around and relented to the peer pressures of societal communication, at least somewhat.  It does feel a little bit like the gaming system tardiness of my youth all over again.  Even though I utilize the text message option of phones, I don’t have a phone with internet access.  This always seems to amaze people whenever that fact is revealed, and they almost feel guilty after asking me to do something my phone doesn’t allow.  [Excitedly] Dude, go here and check out this video.  [Subdued, when I inform then I can't] Ohhh, well, when you get the chance, you should.    So maybe when our phones can actually drive the car FOR us to the location we input will I have a phone that can only give me a digital map of that location.  Maybe can I join in on the “Words With Friends” fun, or whatever game is currently in vogue.  Just don’t let me become of those folks who can’t go more than 10 minutes without looking at their phone.  

You know what else grinds my gears?  These “smart” phones have effectively killed the epic bar arguments that used to be commonplace.  Both sides would vehemently defend their position with a multitude of reasons why they were correct.  This would go on and on.  These were fun debates to watch and even more fun to actually be a part of.  Outsiders were brought in as resident experts to support someone’s belief.  Now, someone just hops on their phone and kills the suspense before the dispute can truly materialize.  Knowledge may be power but the mystery was priceless.  What’s funny is that most of you are probably reading this on your phone, and I’m depending on that being your preferred method of digesting information in order to have an audience.  

I could regale you with additional examples of my 20^th century living, but I think just one more will suffice.  Earlier this year I acquired my very first debit card and used an ATM for the first time.  I’ve just always been a cash guy.  There’s a certain comfort level knowing that the transaction has been successfully completed when you hand over the currency.  Plus I think that only purchasing things when I have the physical money necessary to cover the cost has saved me from frivolous purchases.  I understand that debit cards deduct from money you already have, but you think twice about what you’re buying when you have to give up something tangible to get it. 

There is also a lurking fear that I’m going to screw something up when paying by plastic.  At a restaurant, for example, I might write the wrong amount down in the tip area.  Now I’ve either overpaid for some crappy service or I’ve insulted the server at a restaurant I enjoy and my food will have a little surprise in it next time.  Perhaps I might enter the wrong pin number when swiping my card at the check-out line in the grocery store.  The line behind me begins to grow restless, sweat beads on my forehead, and I frantically try to recall what that damn number is.  The pin number fiasco actually happened.  Fortunately, I got it on my 2^nd guess.  Phew!  That was a close one.  In fact, I am 0 for 2 on first attempts at entering the pin number when using that card.  I’ll figure out this process someday.  It still kind of feels a little like stealing when I get something without giving up cash for it.

So there you have it.  The 30-35-40 plan.

Just kidding.  This is only part 1, right?  I wanted to give you a little background to establish that I live my life in slow motion.  Oh, you think all that background was unnecessary, do you?  Well, I’m a verbose fellow.  I’ll take three sentences to say things when the same message could be conveyed in one.  It sure did come in handy for all those school papers with a minimum word or page requirement.  Anyway, back to your phones.  That virtual farm of yours isn’t going to grow itself.

Musings

I've had a few ideas recently for topics that I want to write about, but I haven't been able to fully harness the drive to see those topics through to completion.  I find that my drive usually comes when I'm feeling depressed.  I'm not overly depressed at this moment though, at least no more than usual.  A friend did tip me off to a really good blog with thousands of followers and that did help increase my depression level.  As I read pieces of that blog, I knew this blog will never be that skillfully written nor will it attract that kind of following. 

Anyway, I wanted to get something new out there without having to invest a great deal of time.  You know, it's what TV shows do when they release a clip show with highlights of past episodes.  In my defense, much of the material below is not recycled.  I submit to all of you some very important things I have learned throughout my life.  Some of these things may not apply to you anymore, but all of them should serve as pertient reminders.  Use them to your advantage.  There is no significance to the order; I just started thinking and went until I got tired.  That's when most conclusions happen.

·         When going through puberty, never yell across a soccer field when you can run over to the person and speak at a normal voice.

·         Never fall for someone you work with.  There are enough other reasons to be miserable at work and it’s a lot harder to move on.

·         It’s okay to tell a girl she looks fat in those jeans.  The short-term pain is worth the long-term gain because you’ve established yourself as someone who is honest.  You’ve planted a seed of trust in her mind.  Just don’t qualify your candid jeans response by saying the jeans have nothing to do with it.

·         There really is no such thing as a bad pair of boobs.  What do you call boobs that are saggy, uneven, funny-looking, or disproportionally sized compared to total body fat?  Boobs.

·         Looking at boobs is like looking at the sun.  It’s okay to steal a glance if you’re curious.  Start staring and then you’ve got a problem.  Plus, a girl is dressed that way because she wants you to look.  Completely ignoring her would be doing her a disservice.

·         When playing a buddy in a grudge match of chess, never leave your queen unprotected in the corner.

·         You’re supposed to eat meat.  Human beings didn’t rise to the top of the food chain to feast on leaves.

·         If you experience stage fright when urinating in public places, don’t drink any liquids when you go to Wrigley Field.

·         Don’t quit the basketball team because you missed the first practice.  Forget about being in the coach’s doghouse.  If you’re good enough, you will play.  If you’re slow with an erratic jump shot and can only make free throws when the coach isn’t looking, you were always slated for the B squad anyway.

·         Don’t pair words that sound “cool” when writing a story to impress your friends, especially when you don’t really know what the words mean.  Nobody knows what an unidentified, exploding pussy is.   You might catch your teacher suppressing a chuckle when she confiscates the note, but she’ll never admit it.  And you’re still going the principal’s office.

·         If you’re a nerd, remember you’re a nerd before deciding that Scholastic Bowl is something that would ruin your reputation.  You just might be missing out on an activity you’d enjoy and dominate.

·         It’s always funny until someone gets their eye poked out… but then it’s funnier.

·         Disc golf is a great idea for a first date.  You’re outdoors, there’s plenty of time to talk and actually get to know the person, and you have a fun competition that spices things up a bit.

·         Country music isn’t as terrible as it seems.  It’s not the country your parents know.  Give it a shot.  Besides, alternative rock music just ain’t what it used to be.

·         Cash is king.

·         If you’re witnessing an argument and have no skin in the game, just shut your mouth and enjoy the fireworks.  Neither side needs to hear your opinion, especially the one with more to lose.

·         Attend the bonfire rally at your high school.  Epic events are bound to happen.  Like someone-crashing-into-the-school epic.  You’ll want to say you were there.

·         If you’re a soccer player pulling into a parking lot full of football players, make sure your car doors are locked.  Better yet, park in the side lot.

·         Polishing off a bottle of vodka with 3 others in a 20 minute span is a bad idea.  A really bad idea.

·         Just because you can’t miss, that doesn’t mean the pool below you is a giant toilet when standing on a deck.

·         If you’re on a cruise ship in rough waters and feel compelled to consume a fair amount of alcohol, don’t double your pleasure with a Cuban cigar and play some ping pong for good measure.

·         When Boston is playing at the state fair, take your friends up on the offer to go see them.

·         People always rave about “The Office” but I’ve found it to be overrated.  Steve Carrell is a fantastic sidekick but I have serious doubts about whether he can carry a show or movie.

·         If you’re trying to lose weight, eliminate pop from your diet.  Try that and nothing else.  You’ll thank me later.

·         Always split aces and eights at the blackjack table.

·         Ticonderoga pencils are unquestionably the best brand of pencil.  The eraser is what sets them apart.  It’s a smooth erase that doesn’t leave remnants of the correction behind.

·         If you want to win in Tecmo Bowl, be the Raiders.  Bo Jackson only has 1 play in the playbook, but that’s all you need.

·         Fake guns still look like guns.  Apparently so do Super Soakers.  Remember this when shooting a movie in a public setting.

·         Going to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet is not advisable if you are participating in three-a-day practices for soccer, especially when the post-lunch practice focuses on conditioning.

·         Don’t believe girls when they tell you they don’t want drama.  Regardless of your flaws, they always think they can fix you if you’re exciting.  Being good looking helps too.  But boring and reliable?  There is simply no cure for that.  Well, I suppose if you’re into personality-altering drugs…

·         If you have the chance to go away to college, do it.  You’ll clip your own wings if you never try to fly on your own.  You might even still be living at home when you’re 30.  There is nothing wrong with a few years a local junior college first though.  Those years are usually general education courses anyway, so you can sacrifice some educational value to save a lot of money.

·         If finishing in the top 10 of your high school graduating class means anything to you, don’t opt for early release during 7^th period of your senior year.  Even if you have no desire to take shop or have no artistic talent whatsoever, bite the bullet and take one of those classes.

·         Hanging on a soccer goal to prove you can do it may seem empowering at the time but spending the last day of your school year indoors while a riveting game of “Capture the Flag” ensues outside is no picnic.

·         Start a retirement plan.  Let the power of time work in your favor.  Set up an automatic withdrawal so you never even see the money.  If your company offers a 401(k) option with matching incentives, max the hell of out their offer.  It’s free money.

·         If your mom tells you to bite yourself instead of biting other children, don’t take her literally.  Biting your wrist is a pretty hard habit to kick and kids can have a field day with a severely calloused wrist.

·         If you absolutely must kick a wall, locate a sturdy, thick patch of plaster before unleashing your rage.  Fathers tend to frown upon holes in their house.

·         If you own a ’95 Thunderbird, reconsider any plans of changing the oil yourself.  If Exxon Valdez spills bother you, take it to a shop to have the work done.  Then write Ford and ask them if it’s even possible to position the oil filter in a less accessible place.

·         There’s nothing wrong with peeing in the shower.  George Costanza understood the intricacies of internal plumbing.  It’s all pipes.

·         Before trying to claim a winning lottery ticket, be sure that it is, in fact, a winner.

·         Don’t leave the bench in the middle of a soccer game to go take a leak in the adjoining woods.  You never know when the starting keeper will do something stupid and get red carded.  Instead of getting your chance to finally impress the coaches with your skills, the next guy will get your opportunity and run with it.

·         A true man’s pizza has no less than 4 different types of meat on it.

·         If you ever find yourself at a strip club, don’t insult one of the dancers.  Also, bring in only what you want to spend and leave your wallet in the car.  Bring cash and not plastic.

·         Everybody has that one hot cousin, whether you know it yet or not.  You just might not have seen him or her in a long time.  Your friends can drool over the picture in your house but you’re not allowed to.

·         Pekin, IL and Peking, China are NOT antipodes.  Don’t try to impress some random chick by spouting this “fact” off within earshot of your college professor.  He’ll launch into a 5 minute lecture and visual demonstration of why you’re wrong when a simple “No” would have sufficed.

·         No one else takes you as seriously as you take yourself. 

·         No matter how good you think your writing may be, there is always someone who is way better at it.  If this depresses you, stop reading blogs.

·         A woman in a ball cap with a ponytail sticking out of the back is a sexy look.

·         Golf is a maddening game.  It’s just a small, stationary ball.  It shouldn’t be so hard to hit it.  When you make great contact, you think you’ve got something.  The next 10 shots suggest otherwise.

·         If a crazy, shirtless old man wanders out onto the golf course claiming you struck a ball into his yard, ask him what kind it is.  When he says “Titleist”, tell him you’re playing Top Flites.   If your ball lands with a loud thud on the roof of an old woman’s house, explain that a bird became petrified and fell out of the sky. 

·         It is possible to play an entire round of golf using only a 5-wood.  It is also possible to have the golf cart driving age increased for everybody if you attempt to park a golf cart in a lake.

·         Fruity drinks are delicious.  I don’t care what anyone says or thinks.

·         If you have a problem with a situation, be sure you attack the problem and not the person.  Don’t let it get personal.  Some people still can’t tell the difference when they’re on the receiving end, but that’s not your fault.  Be sure you employ a little tact in your approach though.

·         Don’t let your past ruin your present.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about the future.  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

·         If you want to hear god laugh, tell him your plans.

·         Trust your boyfriend/girlfriend until they give you a reason not to.

·         Family is more important than money.  Never let it come between you.  There are lots of ways to make money but you only get one family.

·         When a scalper personally escorts you to the gate and repeatedly assures you of how great the seats are, don’t panic that you’ve just fallen victim to some sort of sting operation.  He might just be a really nice guy trying to earn a buck.