Musings

I've had a few ideas recently for topics that I want to write about, but I haven't been able to fully harness the drive to see those topics through to completion.  I find that my drive usually comes when I'm feeling depressed.  I'm not overly depressed at this moment though, at least no more than usual.  A friend did tip me off to a really good blog with thousands of followers and that did help increase my depression level.  As I read pieces of that blog, I knew this blog will never be that skillfully written nor will it attract that kind of following. 

Anyway, I wanted to get something new out there without having to invest a great deal of time.  You know, it's what TV shows do when they release a clip show with highlights of past episodes.  In my defense, much of the material below is not recycled.  I submit to all of you some very important things I have learned throughout my life.  Some of these things may not apply to you anymore, but all of them should serve as pertient reminders.  Use them to your advantage.  There is no significance to the order; I just started thinking and went until I got tired.  That's when most conclusions happen.

·         When going through puberty, never yell across a soccer field when you can run over to the person and speak at a normal voice.

·         Never fall for someone you work with.  There are enough other reasons to be miserable at work and it’s a lot harder to move on.

·         It’s okay to tell a girl she looks fat in those jeans.  The short-term pain is worth the long-term gain because you’ve established yourself as someone who is honest.  You’ve planted a seed of trust in her mind.  Just don’t qualify your candid jeans response by saying the jeans have nothing to do with it.

·         There really is no such thing as a bad pair of boobs.  What do you call boobs that are saggy, uneven, funny-looking, or disproportionally sized compared to total body fat?  Boobs.

·         Looking at boobs is like looking at the sun.  It’s okay to steal a glance if you’re curious.  Start staring and then you’ve got a problem.  Plus, a girl is dressed that way because she wants you to look.  Completely ignoring her would be doing her a disservice.

·         When playing a buddy in a grudge match of chess, never leave your queen unprotected in the corner.

·         You’re supposed to eat meat.  Human beings didn’t rise to the top of the food chain to feast on leaves.

·         If you experience stage fright when urinating in public places, don’t drink any liquids when you go to Wrigley Field.

·         Don’t quit the basketball team because you missed the first practice.  Forget about being in the coach’s doghouse.  If you’re good enough, you will play.  If you’re slow with an erratic jump shot and can only make free throws when the coach isn’t looking, you were always slated for the B squad anyway.

·         Don’t pair words that sound “cool” when writing a story to impress your friends, especially when you don’t really know what the words mean.  Nobody knows what an unidentified, exploding pussy is.   You might catch your teacher suppressing a chuckle when she confiscates the note, but she’ll never admit it.  And you’re still going the principal’s office.

·         If you’re a nerd, remember you’re a nerd before deciding that Scholastic Bowl is something that would ruin your reputation.  You just might be missing out on an activity you’d enjoy and dominate.

·         It’s always funny until someone gets their eye poked out… but then it’s funnier.

·         Disc golf is a great idea for a first date.  You’re outdoors, there’s plenty of time to talk and actually get to know the person, and you have a fun competition that spices things up a bit.

·         Country music isn’t as terrible as it seems.  It’s not the country your parents know.  Give it a shot.  Besides, alternative rock music just ain’t what it used to be.

·         Cash is king.

·         If you’re witnessing an argument and have no skin in the game, just shut your mouth and enjoy the fireworks.  Neither side needs to hear your opinion, especially the one with more to lose.

·         Attend the bonfire rally at your high school.  Epic events are bound to happen.  Like someone-crashing-into-the-school epic.  You’ll want to say you were there.

·         If you’re a soccer player pulling into a parking lot full of football players, make sure your car doors are locked.  Better yet, park in the side lot.

·         Polishing off a bottle of vodka with 3 others in a 20 minute span is a bad idea.  A really bad idea.

·         Just because you can’t miss, that doesn’t mean the pool below you is a giant toilet when standing on a deck.

·         If you’re on a cruise ship in rough waters and feel compelled to consume a fair amount of alcohol, don’t double your pleasure with a Cuban cigar and play some ping pong for good measure.

·         When Boston is playing at the state fair, take your friends up on the offer to go see them.

·         People always rave about “The Office” but I’ve found it to be overrated.  Steve Carrell is a fantastic sidekick but I have serious doubts about whether he can carry a show or movie.

·         If you’re trying to lose weight, eliminate pop from your diet.  Try that and nothing else.  You’ll thank me later.

·         Always split aces and eights at the blackjack table.

·         Ticonderoga pencils are unquestionably the best brand of pencil.  The eraser is what sets them apart.  It’s a smooth erase that doesn’t leave remnants of the correction behind.

·         If you want to win in Tecmo Bowl, be the Raiders.  Bo Jackson only has 1 play in the playbook, but that’s all you need.

·         Fake guns still look like guns.  Apparently so do Super Soakers.  Remember this when shooting a movie in a public setting.

·         Going to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet is not advisable if you are participating in three-a-day practices for soccer, especially when the post-lunch practice focuses on conditioning.

·         Don’t believe girls when they tell you they don’t want drama.  Regardless of your flaws, they always think they can fix you if you’re exciting.  Being good looking helps too.  But boring and reliable?  There is simply no cure for that.  Well, I suppose if you’re into personality-altering drugs…

·         If you have the chance to go away to college, do it.  You’ll clip your own wings if you never try to fly on your own.  You might even still be living at home when you’re 30.  There is nothing wrong with a few years a local junior college first though.  Those years are usually general education courses anyway, so you can sacrifice some educational value to save a lot of money.

·         If finishing in the top 10 of your high school graduating class means anything to you, don’t opt for early release during 7^th period of your senior year.  Even if you have no desire to take shop or have no artistic talent whatsoever, bite the bullet and take one of those classes.

·         Hanging on a soccer goal to prove you can do it may seem empowering at the time but spending the last day of your school year indoors while a riveting game of “Capture the Flag” ensues outside is no picnic.

·         Start a retirement plan.  Let the power of time work in your favor.  Set up an automatic withdrawal so you never even see the money.  If your company offers a 401(k) option with matching incentives, max the hell of out their offer.  It’s free money.

·         If your mom tells you to bite yourself instead of biting other children, don’t take her literally.  Biting your wrist is a pretty hard habit to kick and kids can have a field day with a severely calloused wrist.

·         If you absolutely must kick a wall, locate a sturdy, thick patch of plaster before unleashing your rage.  Fathers tend to frown upon holes in their house.

·         If you own a ’95 Thunderbird, reconsider any plans of changing the oil yourself.  If Exxon Valdez spills bother you, take it to a shop to have the work done.  Then write Ford and ask them if it’s even possible to position the oil filter in a less accessible place.

·         There’s nothing wrong with peeing in the shower.  George Costanza understood the intricacies of internal plumbing.  It’s all pipes.

·         Before trying to claim a winning lottery ticket, be sure that it is, in fact, a winner.

·         Don’t leave the bench in the middle of a soccer game to go take a leak in the adjoining woods.  You never know when the starting keeper will do something stupid and get red carded.  Instead of getting your chance to finally impress the coaches with your skills, the next guy will get your opportunity and run with it.

·         A true man’s pizza has no less than 4 different types of meat on it.

·         If you ever find yourself at a strip club, don’t insult one of the dancers.  Also, bring in only what you want to spend and leave your wallet in the car.  Bring cash and not plastic.

·         Everybody has that one hot cousin, whether you know it yet or not.  You just might not have seen him or her in a long time.  Your friends can drool over the picture in your house but you’re not allowed to.

·         Pekin, IL and Peking, China are NOT antipodes.  Don’t try to impress some random chick by spouting this “fact” off within earshot of your college professor.  He’ll launch into a 5 minute lecture and visual demonstration of why you’re wrong when a simple “No” would have sufficed.

·         No one else takes you as seriously as you take yourself. 

·         No matter how good you think your writing may be, there is always someone who is way better at it.  If this depresses you, stop reading blogs.

·         A woman in a ball cap with a ponytail sticking out of the back is a sexy look.

·         Golf is a maddening game.  It’s just a small, stationary ball.  It shouldn’t be so hard to hit it.  When you make great contact, you think you’ve got something.  The next 10 shots suggest otherwise.

·         If a crazy, shirtless old man wanders out onto the golf course claiming you struck a ball into his yard, ask him what kind it is.  When he says “Titleist”, tell him you’re playing Top Flites.   If your ball lands with a loud thud on the roof of an old woman’s house, explain that a bird became petrified and fell out of the sky. 

·         It is possible to play an entire round of golf using only a 5-wood.  It is also possible to have the golf cart driving age increased for everybody if you attempt to park a golf cart in a lake.

·         Fruity drinks are delicious.  I don’t care what anyone says or thinks.

·         If you have a problem with a situation, be sure you attack the problem and not the person.  Don’t let it get personal.  Some people still can’t tell the difference when they’re on the receiving end, but that’s not your fault.  Be sure you employ a little tact in your approach though.

·         Don’t let your past ruin your present.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about the future.  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

·         If you want to hear god laugh, tell him your plans.

·         Trust your boyfriend/girlfriend until they give you a reason not to.

·         Family is more important than money.  Never let it come between you.  There are lots of ways to make money but you only get one family.

·         When a scalper personally escorts you to the gate and repeatedly assures you of how great the seats are, don’t panic that you’ve just fallen victim to some sort of sting operation.  He might just be a really nice guy trying to earn a buck.