1-24-06
How much
longer can I do this? Only 2 days and
I’m already dreading the new job. Having
to drive 120 miles every day is absolutely KILLING me. My anger rises when I’m in the car and I have
to refill my tank every 2-3 days. I just
want to leave but I won’t. Why? Because I am better than just about anyone I
know at sticking out something I hate.
I went to a college I didn’t really want to
be at, and I have stuck around at Sports Authority longer than I wanted. (I’ve
outlasted everyone that started when I did.)
I know, that’s not something to be really proud of.
I was just
so desperate for a change in my life. I
hated seeing all my friends with jobs. I
hated working with people I knew I was smarter than only to see them earn more. Another reason for taking the job was to satisfy my
parents. I didn’t want to embarrass them
any longer. They could proudly tell
those who asked about their son’s “real” job.
My mom just looked so glad when I came home today and yesterday. I couldn’t let her down. I’d also feel guilty
about quitting so quickly. Advance
took me in and this is how I repay them? I’d be branded a quitter. My dad may also be a new client of the
company, which further complicates matters. It would not be a clean break, and I don’t want to leave the pieces for my
dad.
I guess I
just want to find a more ideal situation.
It should not be so hard for someone with my resume. I’m just not good
at initiating things – anything – and I have to suffer. I’m a nice guy and I DESERVE better, but then
I realize that nothing is promised to us in the world. So why don’t I move closer to work? Because I am thoroughly convinced that I
cannot live on my own. I erred badly not
going away to school. That experience
prepares you for life on your own and I missed out. I’m a small town kid who cannot fathom
leaving this comfort zone. There just
has to be a better solution.
1-25-06 (Day 3)
So this is
what the working world is like? Granted,
it is very premature to form an opinion on the matter. It just seems like I am here and they don’t
need me or are not sure how to incorporate me.
I’ve been doing tedious, mindless tasks.
And that’s when I’m not just sitting there reading and answering the
phone. It’s as if they are merely
finding tasks to keep me occupied. I
hate when that happens. They would do
that at Sports Authority. It makes a
worker feel pointless and disenchanted because the pointless work is often dull
as well. Everyone here is settled into
their routine. Perhaps it would be too
distracting to train me. This is a small
company so they don’t have this situation too often. I want to learn but they
probably do not know where to begin. I
should note that my own computer is being readied. Perhaps that is the difference maker. Let’s see how this plays out.
3-9-06
About a
month and a half into the job and I’m just not happy. I’d like to leave but what does my future
hold? I could just bite the bullet and
ride this out. But I’ve always done that
and I’m tired of it. It might be
different if I were in a better situation – closer proximity to home or making
more money. Truthfully, the money is
fine for what I do, so that’s not a huge issue.
I just can’t help but think that there is somewhere closer where I can
be doing relatively the same thing.
So why not
move up here? It isn’t
cost-effective. I visited an apartment
complex and it’s still a LOT cheaper to live at home and commute. Plus I’m not sure I’m ready. I truly believe not going away to school
stunted my growth. I visited Tom’s
friend Cole and I think to myself how nice it would be to have a place of my
own. I know places closer to home would
be cheaper and I would feel a little more comfortable.
My life is
in a dreaded “in-between” phase. I
continually find myself returning to past times. In reality, I’ve never been happy with my
whole life, but those past times were much better by comparison. Or I find myself fast-forwarding to a
situation where I’m established in a job I don’t mind and have a wife or
serious relationship with someone.
There’s
other little things about this job that all add up. I don’t feel entirely comfortable around
Amber. There is this silent tension; our
personalities just don’t mesh well. Oh
it’s nothing that can’t be handled I suppose. The
reps are all really nice and good to me but I don’t interact with them as
much. I know it would look bad leaving
this soon. But then I think it’s better
to do so now before they invest too much into teaching me. Tom (my de facto boss) took a chance on me
and I want to justify his faith in me. I
wonder if I would have to finish out 2 weeks or just end it the day I break the
news. That would be an extremely
uncomfortable 2 weeks.
It might
look better if I had a legitimate reason to leave. I wouldn’t want to leave just to be done
there. Perhaps I can find another job
that makes more sense for me. Advance would
hopefully understand even if they were upset.
Maybe I could go back to school.
I think my parents have always wanted to see me do grad work. I’ve always insisted against it because I
wasn’t sure it was such a great investment.
I feel that work experience gets you promoted easier than a higher
degree. Grad school ain’t cheap either.
Furthermore,
I have a finance degree, but is that what I really want to do? If so, what would I even do in that field? Should I continue to pay money and pursue
something I don’t even know I’ll use?
That strengthens the argument to stay here. In all fairness, I haven’t given this job
enough time. I can’t possibly make an
accurate judgment on it just yet. Still,
in the back of my mind, I know I’m getting trained to be Amber and that is
really a glorified secretary. I’m Dave
Younker; I’m better than that.
Now maybe
that’s what I have to do to start out in this industry. If that truly is the case, then it should be
under better circumstances. I HATE
answering phones just to send them on to someone else. It makes me feel so worthless and unnecessary
not being able to help anyone. And then
when I try, Amber tells me not to. All
these little suggestions on how to do things are kind of frustrating me. She’s only trying to help, I know, but for
whatever reason, it doesn’t come off that way.
I keep thinking to myself that if she were a doctor, her bedside manner
would be horrible.
I’m also on
a tight leash, sort of like a pet. For example, I have to tell her every time I
need to go to the bathroom. It’s like
I’m back in grade school asking for permission.
You have no idea how demeaning that can feel. I know, I know, she just has to know so she
can answer the phone in my absence. Part
of me feels like she should be able to figure out that I’m not at my desk if I
don’t answer after a couple rings. Maybe
I’m making a big deal out of nothing but I guess I want a little a more
freedom. I like working my way through
things on my own. I’ve always been a
little stubborn when it comes to advice.
I’d like a job where I have set tasks to get done by a certain time and
they don’t care how I do it as long as it’s done.
This job
really does get boring at times. I’m
writing this aren’t I? Anyway, I’m
debating whether to go back to school to become a teacher of all things. The other possibility is for my MBA. Teaching is a profession that has always
lingered in the back of my mind. I’d
like to run a classroom with my own lesson plan. I’d prefer to teach social studies or
business classes. I’ve never minded the school setting. Obviously the big drawback of the job is the
problem kids you’d have to put up with.
I try to picture myself like all new teachers do as the young, cool guy who
can relate to the kids and joke around with them on their level. I’d be able to coach sports, assuming it were
on the junior high or high school level, and that is something I would really
enjoy. Having those summer months off
would be really sweet too!
I’m really
trying to project if teaching is something I could be good at. I could also always keep climbing the ladder
towards a PhD. Then I could teach
college where the student-teacher relationship doesn’t mean as much, and you
don’t have so many immature kids. Most
of them are there because they want to be.
I remember my teachers at JJC and it just seemed like they had such a
great gig.
I wonder how
much more schooling I would need to become a teacher. I need to decide about this quick if I want
to start back in the fall. Part of me
laments that I wasted my time getting a finance degree. I guess it’s something I will always have and
can use if needed. I do wonder deep down
if going back to school just an excuse to delay my future. Am I going to turn into one of those
professional students?
4-26-06
In another 2
weeks I will be in the exact same situation I was a year ago. Nothing has changed and basically I’ve wasted
a year of my life. I just gave the 2
week notice for the job I started in January.
Now I’m back to the uncertain status of looking for a job or deciding to
go back to school. I know my parents
just want to see me doing SOMETHING.
Being happy with that something is easier said than done however.
My dad has
to be disappointed I’m leaving the job; I’m sure he wants to see me stay. But it isn’t his decision, it’s all
mine. No more am I going to live my
life because it’s what others want. I
just want my parents to be proud of me.
Given my parents’ solid standing in the community, expectations are
high. Perhaps I am crumbling under the pressure. I need to trust my own instincts and navigate
these waters myself, right or wrong.
One such
"should I stay or should I go" instance like this that really stands out is my
freshman year in high school. I had
signed up for an agriculture class, largely out of pressure from my parents and
my schedule advisor (the ag teacher as it happens).
About a week in, I determined that I wanted to drop the class for
something else. I was well within my rights; that sort of thing happens all the
time with freshmen. My mom talked me out
of it and I stayed in the class because I was the "good son". I wasn’t really happy and my effort reflected
that at times. I ended up getting a ‘C’ one quarter and to this day, that is
the only ‘C’ I’ve ever gotten in my
entire scholastic career! When I dig out
old records, it sits there, taunting me.
Moving ahead
to now, I wanted to leave a couple weeks ago, but my dad talked me out of it
once. Then I remembered that ag class
and it gave me some resolve. I knew I
was right back then and I know I’m right now.
I finally worked up the nerve and gave my boss the news. My usual course of action would have been to
ride it out and stay miserable. I’d be
to scared or nervous to do anything about it. Or I’d want to satisfy someone in
my life besides myself. While the future
at present is very murky, I hope this is a sign that perhaps I have turned a
corner in my life. Take action and live
for me – words I’ll try to start living by.
