Contract of the Holy Quest

When you got down to it, our high school gang was a bunch of jerks to each other.  But we did it in our own lovable way.  We particularly liked to give my best friend Matt a hard time, which was fine by me because it diverted the attention away from me.  Most of our group had stayed in the area to attend JJC AKA Peotone High School Grade 13.  Matt had gone away to EIU so we weren’t as up to date with his social life.  Therefore, we couldn't believe it when he proclaimed to have found a girlfriend at EIU.  If anyone was less likely to have a girlfriend than me, it was Matt.  At least that’s what I told myself for moral support.  

Our disbelief and jackass nature led to the creation of this document back in 2002.  I'm unearthing it from the archives for your viewing pleasure.  Its purpose was to verify the female’s existence and gain some intelligence on her (you know we love you, Shannon).  The initial draft was created by my other best friend Tom.  I then reviewed the document and offered my own suggestions.  We got the entire group (names at the bottom) to sign the document and I still have a signed copy of it to this day.  Tom and I were taking a Business Law class together at the time.  We decided to have our professor review our “contract.”  After reading it and confirming for the third time that this is actually something we wasted our time on, his reaction was something along the lines of, “You guys really are assholes.” Yes, Professor O’Neil, yes we are.  I’d say things turned out alright for Matt though; he and Shannon have been happily married for years.

 
            Being of Unsound Confusion and Intension, The Group, Founded in the year nineteen hundred and ninety-one during the period of Third Grade, Does hereby present this Declaration of the Mission to identify and possibly remove the suspected Girlfriend as related to Member of The Group Matthew Richard Meinheit if and when a noted Member of The Group chosen as an Agent verifies her existence.

            Upon the date of 10 September in this year 2002, the message containing the words “meet my girlfriend, yeah, that’s right” written by Member of The Group Matthew Richard Meinheit himself was received by Member of The Group Joshua Bult, a known and respected member since The Group’s establishment in Peotone’s own Elementary School. At the time of the message’s influx it was immediately conveyed to Member of The Group David William Younker, Team Leader in Charge of Meinheit Surveillance for nearly two decades. Upon receiving the message Member of The Group David William Younker immediately put the questionable document into circulation to the remaining affiliates of The Group and the following plan was formulated and condoned with full knowledge and support of all parties.

The Agent chosen to infiltrate the compound labeled Eastern Illinois University will be required to undertake the following and gather the desired information:

1.    Verify the existence, or lack there of, of the female in question,

2.    Extrapolate a reasonable hypothesis as to why she has chosen Member of The Group Matthew Richard Meinheit

3.    Observe and Record the behavior of the couple in question to verify if it is in fact indisputable

4.    Provide evidence to support any findings in the form of:

a.      Photographs of the couple engaged in actions to substantiate Member of The Group Matthew Richard Meinheit’s claim,

b.       In addition to photographs, acquire live video to ensure the possibility of her being a mannequin is not possible,

c.       Attain DNA and finger print samples to allow for background checks in an effort to be made to search for any history of mental illness,

d.      If necessary, which will be discussed and deemed so by examination of presented evidence by The Agent, bring the female in for questioning,

5.    If The Group deems it necessary by examination of presented evidence brought forth by The Agent, it may be obligatory and mandatory for The Agent to eradicate any threat presented by the Union of Member of The Group Matthew Richard Meinheit and the other Female,

As a viable contract of a Crusade ordained by The Group itself, this parchment does hereby give The Agent full power to carry out previously stated tasks with possibility of Amendment and altered interpretation due to unforeseen circumstances such as:

1.    Said female is larger than The Agent

2.    Said female is meaner than The Agent

3.    Said female is smarter than The Agent

With the signing of all present Members of The Group this parchment becomes law and shall be feared as Gospel. No one without expressed written consent through a unanimous decision of The Group may disobey the evidence found by The Agent. With signatures below, The Group as a Brotherhood agrees that this contract is pertinent, righteously envisioned, and urgently needed for The Group’s own survival,

So Say You One,

So Say You All

With Signatures presented, may fortune guide The Group

May Luck smile on The Agent,

And to whomever the woman in question may be,

Good Luck to her as well,

For she prepares to boldly go where no woman has gone before.

Original Members

From the Founding Elementary School

Of the Peotone 207-U District

3^rd Grade

Joshua Bult                                                                David William Younker

 

Jonathan James Solita                                                Thomas Andrew Coursey

 

Ryan Thomas Herbert                                                  Ryan Joseph Van Ham

 

Added Affiliates of Later Years,

 

No Less Part of The Whole

Richard Matthew Boskey                                                Timothy John Reyling

 

Charles Thomas Korenic                                                 Clayton James Thompson

 

Robert Neil Geiger                                                         Keith Michael Krysowaty

 

                                                                              As an Unspoken Choice

of Action and Agreement,

Agent of the Group

Thomas Andrew Coursey