Is She A Bee With An Itch?

How many times have you wondered if that girl you barely know is a bitch or not?  Sure, we’ve got our premonitions and we’ll open up the debate amongst friends over drinks.  If you’re like me, however, you want something a little more concrete.  You want your suspicions validated.  Well, my friend, today is your lucky day.  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  There is a handy little social cue that you can employ to determine whether you’ve misjudged her or if that big “fuck you” on her forehead is simply written in clear marker.

When you pass a woman in the hall or on the street, pay attention to where she looks.  It’s that simple really.  She can do 1 of 3 things.

1.       She looks you in the face.  While you may appreciate this (and you should), it is unfortunately the least telling response.  She might be a very genuine, friendly person or she might be fake and insecure.  I’ve seen it both ways.  Sorry, I can’t help you with this one.

2.       She drops her head and stares at the ground.  This hints at someone who is shy or socially awkward but she’s passed the test.  She may not feel comfortable exchanging pleasantries with you but it’s nothing personal.  She’s someone that is still worth the trouble. 

3.       She turns her head to the side or pretends to be distracted with something she may be carrying.  Congratulations!  You’ve spotted yourself a stone-cold biotch. There is a very subtle difference between looking sideways and looking down but the corresponding messages couldn’t be further apart.  There is a certain air of superiority about these women.  They don’t want to acknowledge your presence but they can’t look down either.  That would be showing too much deference to an inferior species.  A casual sideways cock of the head gives a seemingly neutral response but that’s what they’re hoping you think.  If they’re carrying something, that just gives them a convenient excuse to avoid the confrontation.  I guess it’s possible someone sent them a text message at that exact second.  Probably as possible as the words on the sheet of paper they’re carrying suddenly morphing into something more interesting.

I should mention that I make it a point to look at everyone I’m passing, especially at work since they are people I will see on a regular basis.  I can be a bit aloof myself at times but I want to be available to return any acknowledgement of my presence.  I’m more than willing to shoot a head nod someone’s way or offer the obligatory greeting.  Per usual, I will wait for the other person to engage.  It’s like a game of chicken that I always win.  Either they make the first move or I become invisible and pass right through.  Fortunately, I’ve never had to stare down someone only to be met with the same expressionless reaction.  How weird would that be, right?

I had been giving this rule some thought lately and getting some positive results.  I wanted to do some more field research first before sharing this with you, but fate gave me a nudge today.  At work I saw someone approaching me down the hallway at a distance.  Lo and behold, it was someone I had pegged for a bitch.  My mind immediately switched into observatory mode and I readied myself for the cold shoulder.  It was a long hallway.  As I honed in on my test subject, the excitement swelled to delirious proportions.  Finally, our paths crossed and it was time for the moment of truth.  Sure enough, her head rotated 90 degrees. (Yeah, that was a bit anti-climatic. Sorry.)

Validation!  Score one for the Younker Rules.  I was literally grinning (quite stupidly I’m sure to anyone who saw me) as I walked back to my desk.  There are always exceptions to the rule, but this is a rule I’ve come to adopt.  I feel comfortable stating that this particular maxim is about 80% accurate and that’s good enough for me. 

Gentlemen, please use this powerful detection device to your benefit.  May it save you future headaches.  I would like to qualify this rule by adding that it is not intended to completely deter you from interacting with women who fall into category #3 above.  We all know that there is a difference in the tolerance level of bitchiness you’re willing to put up with when it comes to girlfriends versus friends who are girls.  These people may have a place in your life and you still love them for who they are.  I’m merely trying to help you define the person so you know what to expect.  Feel free to take this rule for a test drive on people you know (or think you know) or on new people you’d like to get a feel for.

Ladies, at the risk of disproving my brilliant theory, please do not alter your default voluntary response when passing somebody.  You are what you are even if the truth hurts.  Besides, I’m sure there is some sort of male equivalent.